Momentary Courage
by Pisa
Summary: Pam fears she has gambled and lost. Pam's point of view in The Job. And then some... THIS STORY IS NOW COMPLETE. Feedback is bliss!
1. Chapter 1

Momentary courage

**Momentary courage**

_When her feet had hit the cold water and the pain had started to subside the adrenalin in her veins slowly gave way to a calmness she hadn't felt in long time. She had expected to feel a bit embarrassed, a bit shocked at her own confessions but she did not. She felt relaxed and balanced. The still surface of the lake reflected her inner landscape. She was finally at peace with something that had nagged at her for the better part of a year. He needed to be told and now he had been. The look on his face during her streak of confessions had clued her in on how totally oblivious he had actually been. She hadn't understood how he honestly hadn't known until that moment a few minutes ago. She had realised for the first time how deep a wedge she had dug between them the night she rejected him._

_I am sorry you misinterpreted our friendship_

_The reflection of her own voice had come back to haunt her so many times this past year. That voice must have made him question every thing he had ever thought he could read on her face. She felt so bad for how she had treated him back then, and even now having been subjected to him and Karen for so long, she still did not feel like she had paid a high enough price for that fatal night. Tonight though….she had taken a step towards that apology that she knew she had to make him accept. Even though he might never come back to her, even though he might have moved on for good she needed him to truly and wholeheartedly hear and accept her apology._

_He had come back a changed man and little by little she had begun to understand that it was she who had done this to him. She who had shaken the very foundation he stood on, the core of who he was and what he believed in. She had seen bits and pieced of her Jim returning now and then, in a laugh they shared or in a common resigned look over something Michael had said, but he had been quick to draw back into his shell. He had simply tested the waters too afraid to jump in. Afraid he wouldn't be able to swim._

_She had stood in the water for quite some time. Finally hearing the chattering of her co-workers as they collected their belongings and heading for the bus. It seemed like she would have the final word that night. Michael had obviously given up on finding his replacement and he was now shouting at Dwight to start a search for Andy whom no one had seen since early afternoon. She had heard the low tussle of sand as someone approached the waterside and she had just known it would be him._

When Michael came back everybody stopped what they were doing and waited for an explanation. A familiar feeling started to grow in Pam's stomach. Her gut told her this wasn't going to be good news and for a second she wished a meteor would just crash into Scranton Business Park and stop this scenario from developing. When Michael opened his mouth her worst suspicions were confirmed. Michael would not be taking the corporate job. Michael had most likely screwed up yet again. This time she could find no humour in it, she could find very little compassion for him, all she felt was a growing anger. Anger and fear. A fear that grew for every word Michael spoke.

_So I am back and I am never ever ever going to leave_. _I am going nowhere._

She heard everything he said, but the level of his voice vent from low to high between her throbbing heartbeats. As his words sank in the anger was quickly replaced by only fear, a gut wrenching, desperately sad and panicked fear that all revolved around Jim never coming back. Of course he would get that job now. She had silently clung to the hope that Michael would be granted the job being the senior of the two, but now nothing stood in Jim's way. He was lost to Scranton. She zoned out the rest of Michael's ranting while trying to get a grip of her heart. A heart that was racing so fast she could sense the blood pumping in and out of her slowly shattering heart. Without knowing it she had held her breath hoping it would help her organise her thoughts and form the question she knew she needed to ask. A part of her didn't want to know, but that part wasn't in control right now. For a moment the voice of reason and curiosity took the better of her and she asked…

_Did…Karen get the job?_

She had meant to ask about Jim, but she just couldn't. Thinking about her outburst at the beach she had suddenly become self-conscious at the idea of asking after him in front of the entire office. That; and she couldn't quite see how she could handle it if Michael said yes. Yes, Jim got the job. If she asked about Karen, and he said no, there was still a chance someone else, someone from another branch got the job. It wouldn't necessary be Jim just because Karen didn't get it. The fear in her was almost paralyzing and she knew what would follow that fear if it proved real. Ever since she heard Jim was interviewing for the job all she could think about was that feeling of utter loss and emptiness she had felt when she learned about his transfer to Stamford.

How was she ever going to bear his absence? She thought she felt even stronger for him now than when he left her the first time. After he told her how he felt she had been so confused and scared and bewildered for so many days that it was his friendship she had missed more than anything, his warm ability to always make her laugh and relax. She had missed his strength so much that it had taken her way longer to call of her wedding than it should have. If he hadn't left her that night, but stayed, she is sure she would have been able to call it off then and there. But he had not stayed and she had been tossed into a roller-coaster of emotions that did not really calm down until weeks later when she finally was able to find the courage to tell Roy that she would not be walking down that aisle. Back then she had needed him so support her, to stand by her side if only as a friend until she could entangle herself from Roy. She had never really gotten that friendship back and now she knew she could survive without it. She just did not want to. She did not want him to leave when they still had so many things unresolved between them. Jim's stubbornness and reluctance at letting her in had been heart breaking but she had always sort of assumed that she would get through to him in the end. If he left there would be no more second chances and she was afraid that she would never break down the barrier between them. They had talked briefly at the beach and there could be no question as to what she wanted anymore. He must realise how much she missed him by now. She felt she had spelled it out quite clearly at the beach when she declared she wished he would come back. They had not really talked much since that day. Karen had been hovering over him 24/7 and they had not had any opportunities to talk alone. He had smiled at her though, a lot. And the words they had shared had been tinged with emotions and warmth.

Michael did not answer her. He just starred at her and urged everyone to get back to their job. Her heart sank and all she could feel was numbness. It is going to be alright. Somehow it will be alright.

She was not sure how she got through the next hour. Every voice in the office seemed like it was coming from a million miles away. Every breath of air seemed somewhat final, like it was the last breath she was ever going to take. The numbness slowly lifted and was filled with sadness mixed with a dash of hope. She still had not heard anything and there still was a chance he would not get job. There was also a chance that Karen would get the job. Oh please let Karen get the job and remove her from Scranton and Jim. She had a feeling Jim would not go with her to New York. Hope was all she had; although the reality of things sunk in minute by minute.

Brian and Tessa had asked her to do a TH before she went home that day and she felt her shield coming up. She was determined to get through it calm and collected. She knew what they were after but she refused to give in to their desire for her to spill her gut out. Tessa had looked at her sympathetically when she asked for Pam to meet her in the conference room in half an hour, and it had taken all her skills to give her a warm smile and say absolutely, she would be there. She was just going to have to suck it up and put away her real feelings for one more hour and then she could walk out of there and have the privacy she needed to let them out. She put away the faxes she was going to send and decided it was better to just get it over with. She pushed back her chair and resolutely stood up and walked over to the conference room. Her feet felt heavy and she was surprised the distance was covered in something that felt like half a second. When she opened the door she could see that Brian was setting up the camera equipment and that her chair was ready for her. Brian looked up and gave her a questioning smile. It is going to be alright she thought.

Hey, how are you. You alright?

She returned his question by the only thing that seemed to come to mind, another question.

Yeah sure, should I not be?

Oh no…yeah of course. Glad to hear it. Hmm…so…are you ready? I am just waiting for Tessa. She went to get herself a coke.

It was obvious Brian felt a bit awkward. It was clear that he wanted to ask her more direct questions, but his mumbling got in his way and when it ended Pam just smiled and gave him a small nod. A lump had started to grow in her throat as soon as she had seen Brian's emphatic smile and she realised she would have to excuse herself and take a few minutes to collect. As she was about to sit down she turned and quietly said

I think I need some water, I'll be right back if that is okay?

Of course.

Brian turned back to his camera and made some final adjustments while she slipped out and headed for the kitchen. She took a glass of water from a bottle in the refrigerator and drank it slowly. The lump in her throat had started to subside and she was determined to get through this interview in a good fashion. It was only 45 minutes until she could leave Dunder Mifflin and camera crews behind for the day. She could do this. She was after all quite good at pushing away her feelings and getting on with the day no matter what. She had good practise. She put down the glass and straightened out her shirt and walked back to the conference room. Brian was now accompanied by Tessa, and they were sitting down talking discretely to each other. Both looked up when she walked in and Tessa smiled and asked her to sit down. Pam closed the door behind her and slowly sat down in the chair watching the blue sky outside while she took a deep breath. It is going to be alright she thought.

I am ready. Shoot.

She looked into Tessa's eyes and waited for her first question.

Well, we would like you to say something about the day. There has been a bit of a different leadership in the office today.

Hehe…yeah…that is for sure. It has been a different day. A day with Dwight in charge.

She smiled at the memory of her secret pact with Dwight and for a while she was able to put Jim out of her thoughts. The memory filled her with happiness and she thought she would not mind spending more days like that. She felt her spirit lift and the strength return to her voice as Tessa asked her what she thought the future held for her.

_No I don't know what the future holds…but I am optimistic and I had fun goofing around with Dwight today._

She saw in Tessa's eyes that she was on the verge of asking about Jim and she thought it was better to beat her to the punch. She held her eyes straight and continued.

_- Jim and I are just…too similar. Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen…but you, that is a you know not… A man, a man version. But ah…until then I can hold my head up…I am not gay._

She knew she was rambling but somehow she just couldn't stop and Tessa's eyes were driving into her like nails. There was no escape from this. She would have to answer these questions and hope she could fool them into believing that she was fine about it all. Jim's absence had been just as noticeable as his presence usually was.

So do you think Jim will get that job at corporate?

She knew it would come and she took a moment and paused while looking out the window before she looked into Tessa's questioning eyes and answered in a warm voice.

_I haven't heard anything but I bet Jim got the job. I mean…why wouldn't he? He is totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again that's okay. We're friends and I am sure we'll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know. I shot him down then he did the same to me and…But you know what, it's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally…_

Painful as the last hours had been she could not help but light up at the mention of his name.

She could feel her eyes watering. How was she ever going to get out of this without letting a tear slip?

Then the door suddenly opened and she turned her head to see who had come to her rescue. It was Jim. My god it was really Jim. Her mind went completely blank as she heard him apologizing to Tessa and Brian for interrupting. Her heart skipped a beat as she held her breath. Her mind was not able to wrap around the fact that it was Jim standing there in the doorway looking nervously at her. His new haircut and blue suit made him look like a grown up version of her Jim. Her mind was still a complete blank and she just stared at him. Only on a superficial level did she register his question.

_Are you free for dinner tonight?_

_Yes._

_Then it's a __**date.**_

She heard herself answer, but she couldn't remember exactly what she had said or what he had answered. It was not the words he spoke. It was the way he looked at her. It was his nervous body language. It was the promise in his voice. It was a thousand little small things that only gave meaning because it was exchanged between them. The look in his eyes had given him away. She would get her chance to put things right between them.


	2. Chapter 2

She turned back to Tessa and Brian, their faces beaming with joy. She couldn't pretend anymore. The tears were impossible to stop and so was the huge smile on her face. She could not have held back her emotions had her life depended on it. A thousand feelings flooded through her body. For a moment she was afraid of bursting from experiencing them all at once; joy, relief, surprise, questions, bafflement, anxiety, hope, suspense and an unbelievable sense of being alive. She felt connected to something bigger than herself and it felt spiritual. Her gamble had paid off. All was not lost. On the contrary, she felt like a million dollar lottery winner.

- I am sorry. What was the question?

Tessa and Brian just looked at each other. Their expression said it all. They had forgotten the question too. Tessa seemed to forget why she was there in the first place and stood up taking a few steps toward Pam dragging her out of her seat and into a warm embrace. At first Pam just stood there with her arms hanging down almost dumbfounded at Tessa's reaction, but after a few seconds she threw her arms around her and let the tears stream down her face. There was no point in pretending anymore. She was not going to fool anybody. This was a BIG DEAL. She held on to Tessa with all the strength in her arms. The feelings were so intense she had to have a physical outlet. Then she heard Tessa whispering in her ear.

- I am so proud of you. You deserve this.

Her hold tightened once more before she released her. Pam was not quite ready to let go but slowly loosened her grip and took a step back looking into Tessa's eyes while smiling.

- Thank you. That means a lot to me.

She shook her head in disbelief and mumbled.

- I cannot believe he did that.

Then both Tessa and Brian started to chuckle while they almost simultaneously erupted.

- You can't?

Pam just stared at them, unable to wipe the huge grin of her face, while she laughed and said in a warm voice.

- You guys are hopeless. Were you in on this all along? I cannot believe it.

- Hey….slow down there. We were just as surprised as you. We had no idea he was coming back. Or not like this anyway. Remind me to thank him for his perfect timing. It'll make fantastic television.

Brian continued to chuckle and look happy. For a moment Pam wasn't sure what he was happiest about; her getting Jim back or his perfect television moment. He washed away her suspicions quickly as he embraced her and said.

- It is finally your moment.

And it felt like it. It truly felt like her moment, no – like their moment had finally arrived. Pam felt the tears watering her eyes again and she swallowed hard. She was grateful Brian lingered in their embrace. It gave her a few seconds to compose herself. She couldn't go on weeping like that. What on earth would Jim think? She didn't want to scare him away.

Oh my God Jim!! Where was he? She felt an urge to see him, just to make sure she hadn't dreamt the whole thing.

She excused herself, wiped her cheeks free of tears and headed for the door. At first glance she couldn't se him. His desk was empty, he was not at reception and he did not seem to be in the kitchen. Then she heard Michael in a high pitched voice exclaim from behind his closed office door.

- You're back in Scranton for good? This is the greatest news of all the history in the world… of time. You are one of my many closests friends and I'm so happy that you never will leave me, ever ever.

- Well….ehh yeah. Good to be back man.

Pam could not help but burst into yet another huge grin at the exchange in Michael's office. Everything was as it always had been, only so much better. This afternoon she would not be going home to an empty apartment. She would be with the friend she had missed so much it sometimes physically ached. The memory made her smile disappear and her gut twitch. Dwight looked up at her, obviously forgetting their little allegiance earlier in the day as he in his insensitive Dwight way blurted out.

- God…you look dreadful. What's wrong with you? I guess you've heard Jim's coming back. When you finally think you're rid of that guy, there he is again. Like some super-hero enemy that never goes down, until that one day I'll vanquish him for good.

Dwight shook his head while ending his tirade in a decided position looking at Michael's closed door while forming God only knows what plans. Pam looked at him with an annoyed face while secretly smiling at how everything truly felt like it stayed the same. The stars were finally aligned. She could not help but give Dwight a wink and a firm nod to indicate that she believed in his abilities. He had been a source of joy for her during one of her worst Dunder Mifflin days ever, and she felt the need to give something back. Through Michael's office window she could see the other camera team capturing Jim's return, and she decided that she did not want to talk to him in front of them. She went back to her desk and wrote him a quick post-it note that she put on his desk. Not so obvious that everyone could see, but clear enough so he would not miss it.

It was almost five o'clock and she took her purse and went into the bathroom. A glance in the mirror confirmed that she had been crying and she splashed some water in her face to wipe away the signs. She brushed her wild curls and made sure her hair looked as good as it could. Her lip-gloss gave her a bit of a spark and accentuated the colours on her face. She usually did not wear a lot of make-up and today was no exception. She certainly did not want to overdue it. It struck her as ironic that Jim up until now had seemed so resistant to her efforts at dressing up this past year. At the same time she had to smile at the fact that he was the one who had seen the beauty in the boring way she used to dress. She took one last glance at herself in the mirror and saw the glow in her eye. She had never felt more beautiful and she strode out of the bathroom with her head up. As her eyes swept across the office she could see that most of her co-workers were leaving for the day. Jim was nowhere to be seen and she wondered if he was already up on the roof. She grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and decided to go up and look for him.

The roof was empty and she started walking while she waited for him to join her. Her stomach had started to twist again. As much as she wanted this she was also scared of the conversations ahead. There were so many things that had happened over the last year and none of it had been addressed before. She had no idea where to start. From this distance she could understand and even defend her actions that night in the parking lot, she just did not want to. She was embarrassed she had been that girl and although she understood her, she didn't really want to recognize that she had been that stupid. For God sake, she had almost married Roy. She shook her head at the idea of what life with him would have been like. She was so thankful for the things Jim revealed that night. Even though things had turned out the way they did, she had never regretted not marrying Roy. Lost in thoughts she stood and watched one car after the other leave the parking lot. The air was hot and she took a sip of her water, waiting.

- Don't jump.

She turned around to find Jim standing there with a crocked smile. He had shed his jacket and his shirt was rolled up. He was Jim. She wanted to laugh but the bigness of the moment just took the better of her and she said.

- No chance.

She starred at him hoping he would take the lead in the conversation. After all he was the one with the most explaining to do. He just shook his head and smiled dumbfounded.

- You want some water, it's hot up here.

She offered him her bottle.

- Yeah sure, that sounds good.

She turned away as he lifted the bottle to his mouth. Her eyes caught Michael as he got into his car and drove off. There seemed to be no one left but them. Jim stepped up beside her and put the bottle of water on the ledge while looking into the air. None of them spoke for a minute.

- So I heard Michael was happy to have you back.

She went for a safe subject as he did not seem to want to say anything.

- Hehe….yeah. He even hugged me. Said we would be best buds forever. I am pretty sure he thinks I came back out of loyalty to him.

- Hehe, why would he think that?

- Well, you know. Because of what happened with Jan.

- What happened with Jan?

- Michael didn't say? David fired her. It was quite a scene.

- What?? She was fired. Why?

- Ehhh…..I'm not really sure, but I got the impression it was personal. We shouldn't be surprised considering the woman got a boob job to tempt Michael back. I mean who would do that? For Brad Pitt maybe, but for Michael?? Just sick.

His voice was full of joyful banter and she could not help but burst into laughter. He was so easy to be with.

- Hehe, so you would condone if Jennifer Aniston did it then?

- Huh?

- To lure Brad Pitt back.

He looked at her confused.

- I don't think I follow, why are you bringing her up?

- I am just trying to follow your logic.

She tried to hide her smile.

- Hehehe….ahh..sure. Sorry, don't know why I didn't get that.

He sounded a bit embarrassed. Not so much for the missed Pitt-Aniston link but more for the reason he missed it. He was obviously nervous. He stood up and waved his hands in the air to truly emphasize his next statement.

- Just for the record. I would find it quite ridicules to do that no matter who you are.

She looked up at him and smiled with her head tilted.

- I know you would.

The warmth in her voice seemed to reassure him and his face relaxed into yet another smile.

- Yeah… guess you do.

In the silence that followed they both shifted a bit uneasily.

- So where do you want to go for dinner? Any preferences?

He kept staring into thin air as he asked her.

- Yeah I do.

He turned towards her and met her eyes for the first time since the "don't jump" comment. Something stirred in her stomach.

- Yeah….I would really like to go back to Cuginis.

After she said it she realised the double meaning. It sounded like she not only wanted to go back to the restaurant, but also back to those happy memories of their first lunch together; when her engagement had not been an issue between them, before moments of stolen time had made her guilty to be around him, before all the hurt and confusion. He looked at her swallowing before letting out a moved.

- Yeah.

She held his eyes for a couple of seconds before she said.

- Okey then. We should get going. It's getting late.

- Oh…. Do you want to go right away?

- Yeah, don't you?

- Oh…sure. I just thought you might want to go home first.

- Nah….not really. Unless you need to go home first.

- You know what. I would love to just go and eat right away. I am starving

- Okey, glad we settled that. I'm just gonna grab my coat and then we can go. Should we just meet there?

- No, absolutely not. We are not taking separate cars. This is a date for crying out loud.

She looked at him. Surprised at the firmness in his voice and the way he said date! He caught her eyes again and quickly said.

- Well, you know what I mean. We should go there together. I don't know. It just feels like the thing to do.

- Hehehe….I'd never pegged you for such a romantic Halpert. You're right though. We should definitely go together.

- Hehe…yeah. Mr Romantic. That's me. You know what. I actually got teased a bit about that back in college.

He laughed at the memory as she felt a surge of love flowing through her body. She could not believe she was so lucky as to have captured this amazing guy's attention. In a soft voice she said.

- Well okay then Mr. Romantic. Let's go.

- You're never gonna let me live that down one are you?

- Probably not.


	3. Chapter 3

They walked back down to the office in silence, both stopping just long enough to grab their stuff before heading for the elevator. Pam wanted to say something to continue the banter they had exchanged up on the roof, but came up blank. The elevator door opened and Jim reached out his arm and said

- After you.

- Thanks.

She turned around to push the button as he followed her. She looked straight ahead waiting for the doors to close.

- So whose car are we gonna take?

Jim broke the silence with a practical question. She felt relieved.

- Oh…it doesn't matter. We still have to come back for the other one, right?

She hadn't meant to put it out there as a question. Of course they would have to come back. They were definitely not going home together. She looked at him for a second and registered that the question had surprised him.

- Sure…yeah…yeah.

She could se him shifting a bit uncomfortably beside her as the elevator doors opened. She needed to rescue the situation and quickly said.

- How about you drive and then you can just take me back here afterwards?

- Yup.

Pam was beginning to understand how much of an effort this was going to take. There were so many things that needed to be addressed and right now those things were creating a mountain between them. She wanted so desperately to know what had happened in New York but she knew Jim needed time to open up. She had a feeling this night would be an emotional marathon.

They drove for a couple of minutes in silence. From time to time she looked over at him, a smile on her face. He was focused on the road. His hands casually holding the steering-wheel and again she felt an incredible surge of happiness. In under an hour her life had been turned completely upside down and her head was having trouble following her beaming heart. What had happened in the city? With the interview? With Karen? Had she come back with Jim? Where they still together?  
No, they could not be. Jim had asked her on a date, right? His rooftop declaration had made her sure of that. They were definitely going on a date, a real date. Meaning Jim and Karen could not possibly still be together. Jim would never do that. She wondered where Karen was. Had Karen gotten the job? Was she still in New York? Was she hurting? Although she knew there was no way around it; she felt guilty that her sudden happiness would forever be linked to Karen's unhappiness. She looked over at Jim and wondered what he was thinking. Was he thinking about Karen too? She did not dare ask. Instead she figured she could ask about Jan.

- So is it really true that Jan was fired?

Her question seemed to snap him out of his thoughts and he looked over at her.

- Yeah, it really is true. Did you think I was just yanking your chain?

- Yanking my chain?

She started laughing. She had never heard him use that expression before and for some reason it amused her greatly.

-Hey, don't laugh. You don't like my cool new repertoire.

He pretended to be hurt and gave her a wounded look.

-Repertoire?

She laughed even harder. The laughter released some of the tension in her stomach and she was grateful for their ability to always make each other laugh.

- Stop it, or else I won't tell you about Jan.

- Okay, I promise. I'll be good. Tell me what happened.

- Okay. Well I wasn't there when it went down so I'm a bit fuzzy on the details but…

He hesitated, like he changed his mind about telling her or something. She looked at him waiting for him to continue. When he seemed to be lost in thoughts she said.

- You weren't there but..?

- Ehh….Karen was.

- Oh….

There it was. She shifted uncomfortably as she felt a twitch in her stomach.

- And what did she tell you?

He looked resolute as he stated.

- Just so we're clear. We're not together anymore.

-Oh…Okay.

He looked down at her with worried eyes.

- Well…I guess…ehh. I sort of figured. Seeing we're on a date right now.

-Yeah. Glad you remembered.

He winked at her and gave her one of his characteristic smiles.

- Anyway, I guess we can go through the details of that later. Here's what happened with Jan. According to Karen she came storming into Wallace's office right in the middle of her interview demanding to know why she was being let go. Apparently Michael had let the cat out of the bag. She was furious, yelling at Wallace to give her an explanation. Karen had been so chocked she had only registered parts of what he said, but he referred to her not showing interest in her job and only sitting around smoking in her office. And then something about online shopping and being in Scranton too much.

Jim shook his head at the insanity of it all and continued.

- I guess our first clue to her instability should have been her choice to date Michael Scott.

- You know what. I actually think Michael is the normal one of them.

- What? What makes so say that?

- Karen didn't tell you?

- No… although she did say something about not feeling sorry for Jan. What am I missing here?

- Well…. Do you remember that day Phyllis got flashed in the parking lot and Michael took the girls to the mall?

- Yeah…

- You see. Michael ended up telling us that Jan.. eh….used to videotape them having sex to improve his technique.

- She did what?? That's insane. You really should not reveal secrets about their sex-life while I'm driving. It could get us both seriously injured.

They both started laughing.

- Okay…I guess I shouldn't tell you what else she did then.

- There's more?

- Yeah, but I am afraid to tell you now. I don't want to end up in the hospital.

- Hehehe….I think I can handle it. I'm better prepared now. Bring it on Beesly. I'm ready!

- Well….she also used to show the tape to her therapist.

- Oh my God….now I actually feel sorry for the guy. Thanks for that.

- It's just crazy…

- Yeah….

They both shook their head at the image of Jan and her therapist.

- What a day huh?

- I know.

She looked over at him. His smile was still lingering at the corner of his mouth. She wanted so badly to reach across and touch his face, but she knew it was way too early for that. They did not speak for the rest of the drive. The silence was a bit more comfortable now.

Jim opened the door for her as they arrived at the restaurant. She suddenly realised she was way under dressed for a date. Jim looked so classy in his fancy new suit and she felt so homely compared to him. When the maitre d' smiled and welcomed them to Cuginis she turned to Jim and whispered.

- I should have changed before I came. I look so plain.

Jim looked down at her with a stubborn expression and said.

- You my friend is anything but plain.

She looked up at him, her head tilted, and in an unsteady voice she said.

- Thank you.

- That's the truth. Now what do you say we ask this gentleman if he has a table for two hungry souls.

- Absolutely.

The maitre d' took them to a table by one of the windows. It was small and intimate and she suddenly realised she was on a date. A real date. Not just a dinner between friends. This was romantic surroundings. Candlelight, music, vine and Jim. Other guests were scarce. She figured it was a bit too early. She liked the idea of not being one amongst a number of couples out on a date. It made her feel exclusive. It made them exclusive.  
Jim held out her chair as she sat down. Inside her feelings were racing and she held her hands to stop them from shaking. The moment was almost too colossal for her. The day had gone from bad to worse, to absolutely dreadful before turning into..uhh…whatever it was this was..fantastic, scary, hopeful? It all felt a bit much; like she would need a break to prepare for the actual date ahead. She had been so giddy up on the roof suggesting they go out right away. It had not hit her yet. What they were about to do.  
They were on the verge of mending their friendship while at the same time exploring something beyond. This could be the beginning of something that could shape the rest of their lives. Would he kiss her tonight? Her eyes lingered on his mouth. It brought back memories of the kiss in the office. How it felt like she died and started to live at the same time. It was the best and worst night of her life. Her old life ended that evening. She guiltily contemplated that Jim probably felt the same; but for completely different reasons.

- Hey there, what are you thinking about?

She looked into Jim's eyes, noticing his tense jaw.

- Oh…you know….the past.

His face seemed to tense up even more.

- Well…do you think you can take a break from that an answer our dear waiter if you want red or white wine?

He tried to make his voice sound casual and light, like he was joking, but she knew him too well. His feelings were written all over his face. He was not ready to revisit the past. She looked up at the waiter.

- I think I prefer white. Is that okay?

- Absolutely. A bottle of white wine then.

The waiter hurried off leaving them to their own. She looked at him and smiled. What could she do to make that tense jaw disappear?

- Hey, you never know what Dwight did today.

- What did he do?

- He made me secret Assistant to the Regional Manager.

- And I missed that. Damn.

Mission accomplished. His face loosened up into a smile as he encouraged her to go on.

- Well. Let's just say it didn't take Dwight long to figure out that Andy couldn't be trusted, so he turned to me.

- Awesome.

- I know. I can't believe you missed it.

- So what did he have you do?

- Not much really, other than trust me to help him out during his lecture.

- His lecture?

- Yeah. He proclaimed that he would use the meetings as a time to give us lectures. For our first lecture he dragged in a bunch of different soil types to thoroughly explain where paper came from.

- Awhhh….Dwight. I hope he enjoyed his hours in charge, because I don't think Michael is going anywhere anytime soon.

- Yeah, what happened with Michael?

- Well officially he withdrew from consideration after Jan was fired, but to me it sounded like David had already decided against him.

- Oh…Do you know why?

- Other than the simple fact that he is Michael?

- Hehe…I guess you're right. Shouldn't need a reason beyond that. So…uhh, how did your interview go? I haven't even asked if you got the job.

- I did actually.

- Ohh…

- Yeah, but I turned it down.

- You did? Why?

He looked at her like he was weighing his word. Trying to figure out what he should tell her. Sometimes she hated the fact that she new him so well. It made things complicated.

- It just wasn't me you know. Corporate life in the big city.

- Oh..

- Yeah, you know….I prefer the homeless look.

He waved a hand towards his hair and chuckled.

- Definitely a better look for you. I agree.

She knew she probably should not push him, but she was dying to know if he had received her message.

- So did you get my note?

She looked straight into his eyes and held his gaze. He did not answer right away, just kept looking into her eyes. It started to get a bit uncomfortable but she refused to look away. She needed to be courageous, courageous enough for both of them. He broke their eye contact looking down into his plate for a couple of seconds before he said.

- Yeah.

- I hope it wasn't too much?

- Too much?

- Well…I didn't mean…

She heard herself struggle to find the right words. She could see his eyes starting to flicker, starting to distrust himself.

- You didn't mean what?

- I didn't mean for it to mean anything.

Oh God…why did she have to say it like that? What was she doing? This was not how this conversation was supposed to go. His face had gone blank in disbelief.

- Oh… that's cool.

He looked positively heartbroken and she knew she would have to fix it.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean that it didn't mean anything. Of course it meant something.

She looked up forcing herself to meet his eyes.

- It meant…

- Yeah..?

- A lot.

His face softened as he said.

- It did?

- I'm sorry. It's just…what I meant to say was that I didn't mean for it to unsettle you.

- Unsettle me?

- You know, get in the way, distract you from concentrating on your interview.

- Distract me?

- I mean, don't get me wrong. I am so happy you're here and that you're not moving to New York. I just hope you didn't give up on that job because…..

- Because ?

- Because of me.

- Oh.

His face dropped to the table and he looked hurt again. What was wrong with her? Why did she keep messing this up? Her heart started to race and she couldn't think clearly. She had hurt him again and all because she could not articulate what she really meant. As they both sat in silence not looking at each other, the waiter came back.

- Have you decided yet?

They both looked up.

- Not quite yet. We just need a couple of minutes.

Jim looked down into his menu and Pam thought it best to do the same. She decided she wanted pasta and skimmed the menu. Not able to focus she picked the first one of the list.

- Anything that's tempting?

She looked over at his menu as she said it.

- Hmm….yeah sure. Lot's to choose from. How about you?

- Pasta fettuccini with a side salad I thought

- Sounds good. Let's make that two.

He signalled for the waiter to come back and gave him both their orders. She took a sip of the wine and hoped it would calm her nerves. No such luck.  
There was an apparent divide between them again. As soon as a laugh had been shared, a moment of connection restored, something happened to shatter it. Her words vibrated in the air between them.

"…give up on that job because of me…"  
"..because of me…"  
"…because of me…"

The words had taken on a life of their own; turning on her as soon as they left her mouth. The silence had become uncomfortable again. She felt stuck in a quagmire unable to wiggle free. Jim had focused his attention to life outside the window, watching en elderly couple exiting their car.

- Hmmm…..

Jim withdrew his eyes from the window and looked at her. His eyes searching her face.

- Hmmmm…?

- I just. I don't know….I didn't think it would be difficult.

Let it rip she thought. She had to address this awkward tension that had encircled them since they sat down.

- You didn't think what would be difficult?

- Us. Sitting here talking.

He continued looking at her. She was not able to read him. His expression was almost absent looking, but he could not possible not be there, not be listening, not understanding what she said. He had to be hanging on her every word, had he not? She felt a sharp prick of panic in her stomach. Did he regret taking her out? Was he realising that he'd made a terrible mistake? Her mind spun with a number of different horror scenarios. Was he thinking about how this was a mistake and if there was time to salvage things with Karen?  
No. She thought. Stop it. You are just letting your fears get the better of you. Keep pushing it. Don't back down.

- I mean…this is just…

What was the word she was looking for? Why was her brain so slow all of a sudden? It was just…

- …overwhelming.

The absent look on his face disappeared and was replaced by one she could only describe as a bit tortured. She was not sure if that was better, but at least she had claimed a response.

- I know.

The sound of his voice made her want to cry again. It was raspy and so low that for a minute she was not sure he had said anything at all. She gathered enough courage to look into his eyes. She could se him swallowing and then breaking contact leaning over to take a sip of his wine. She looked down at her hands folded in her lap, a lump starting to form in her throat.

- Will you excuse me a minute? I need to use the bathroom.

- Sure.

He kept holding his glass of wine as she exited the table. She turned to look at him, from half way across the room, and saw him looking out the window again. She slipped into the ladies room. It was empty but for her. A tear started to run down her cheek and she wiped it away angrily. Why was she crying? She was here with Jim. A Jim that was alone again. A Jim that had asked her out on a date a little over an hour ago; this is what she had wanted. He was here. She could talk to him, but she kept messing up, kept saying all the wrong things. She starred at her face in the mirror; it had lost some of the happiness she had felt earlier. She had thought it would be easy as soon as they were together. She had thought that magic connection would reappear easily, but it had not. It kept coming and going at will. She understood that her past actions were what made it difficult for him to open up. She took one last look at herself in the mirror and decided that she had to keep trying. It was frightening and her hands kept trembling, but she had to do this. She walked resolutely back to their table; he was still looking out of the window, unaware her approach.

- Hi, seeing anything interesting out there?

She tried to keep her voice light and warm as she sat down. He looked over at her smiling.

- Nah, I was just thinking.

- Oh….anything you want to share?

- Emus.

- Emus?

- You know, the bird.

- You were thinking about a bird?

- Yeah.

Was he just joking?

- Why?

- Oh…I don't know. It just dawned on me that it's almost a year since I left for Australia.

- And that got you thinking about birds?

- Yeah. I know it sounds weird.

- Elaborate.

- You see….I had been in Sydney a couple of days, mostly just walking around on a whim doing nothing, when I stumbled across this little place that arranged for tourists to go different places outside of the city.

Pam thought about Jim walking around in Sydney alone and she felt guilty.

- Anyway… I just needed to do something, anything, so I signed up for the cheapest tour they had. A visit to an Emu-farm.

- Wow.

- Hehe…I know right, but to me it seemed like a good idea.

- Ahh….and was it?

- Apart from the fact that I was on a bus with emu-enthusiasts for the better part of two hours, then yes.

- Really?

- Yeah, I made an emu friend.

- You became friends with a bird?

- Yeah.

Pam still was not sure if he was just pulling a prank on her. He seemed like he was serious though. She had never really thought about Jim in Australia; up until now she was not even sure he had gone. She remembered he had told her about the plane ticket and how he would miss her wedding. IT had crossed her mind a couple of times after she called of her wedding, but seeing she never contacted him, it was just one more thing about him that she was no longer privy too.

- Okey, this I got to hear.

- I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm sort of afraid of birds.

- You are? Why?

- Don't laugh, but when I was seven my grandmother took me to a park and gave me a bag full of breadcrumbs to feed to the birds. What she forgot to inform me was how I should feed them, you know, throwing a couple of crumbs at the time. So I was standing all alone in the middle of the park surrounded by trees, my grandmother sitting at a bench watching me.

He looked up at her shaking her head while laughing.

- I kept looking for the birds but I couldn't see anyone, so I thought I'd just empty the bag of breadcrumbs at my feet. So I did.

- Oh no….I think I know what happened…hehe

- Well if you think that a million birds suddenly lifted from the trees and come flying at me, you are right.

- Hehehe…..I'm sorry. That must have been so scary.

Pam could not help it. She tried to be emphatic but the thought of little Jim with a pile of breadcrumbs at his feet was too much, she burst out laughing.

- Hey, I said don't laugh. It's not funny.

- Hehehehehe…I'm sorry, I'm sorry…..

Now tears were rolling down her face and she had to hold her stomach because it started to hurt.

- Anyway….that's the reason why I'm afraid of birds. And by the way, it's not nice to laugh at people's phobias.

- Hehe…I'm sorry. I'll stop.

Another wave of laughter did her in as she caught a supposedly hurt look on his face. He tried to look offended.

- Done yet?

- Yes, yes I promise. I am so sorry for poor little Jim, that must have been awful.

- Yeah, it was.

She composed herself and reached over to give his hand a few strokes. He did not respond, just kept his hand laying there.

- So with all that bird trauma behind you, how come you made a friend?

- Well….that's a long story.

- I have time.

- Okey. I don't know how much you know about emus?

- That would be nothing.

- Okey, well in May and June they mate. They actually hook up with a partner in December and they stay together for five months before they mate.

- Ahh…that's so sweet.

- Wait, I haven't finished yet…

- Oh..

- Well after they mate the man emu incubate the eggs; he only stands in order to turn them around. He does not eat, drink or defecate for the next eight weeks.

- Is that even possible? Wouldn't he die of starvation?

- Nah…he survives on stored body-fat and on any morning dew that he can reach from the nest.

- Wow.

- Yeah, I know. Have to respect that right?

- And you met one of those emus at the farm?

- Yup.

- Where was the mummy emu when he was doing all this nesting?

- She had left. Gone of with some other emu guy and started to mate with him.

- Oh….

The conversation suddenly revolved around a lot more than bird mating.

- I am sorry.

- Nah…don't be. Not your fault she left. Apparently it's quite common.

- Still….I wish she hadn't.

- Yeah.

- So, you became friends with this emu?

- Yeah I did. I went over to him and we talked.

- What did you talk about?

- Oh...you know, guy things.

- That's sweet.

He looked at her, his eyebrows raised.

- Are you mocking me Beesly?

- No, I'm not. I'm quite serious.

He did not get to question her further because their food arrived. Pam had forgotten how hungry she was and the smell of pasta made her mouth moist. She grabbed her fork and started to eat, a bit thankful for the distraction.

- Easy there Beesly, we don't want you chocking on your food.

- Hehe…I'm sorry. I'm just really hungry.

- So it would seem. I hope you like it.

- Yes. It is delish.

- Delish?

- Short for delicious.

- Ah, I see.

They sat a couple of minutes in silence, both concentrating on their food. Pam took a couple more sips of the wine, and slowly began to feel warm inside.

- Hmm…this was really good.

- Yup, good choice.

- I aim to please.

They continued eating mostly in silence. They shared a comment here and there, a refill of the wineglasses and an assurance to the waiter that the food was to their pleasing. Pam looked over at him from time to time and sometimes caught him looking at her. She smiled at him and he smiled back.

- So Emu-friends aside, how was Australia?

- It was great. It was awful. A mix of everything really.

- What was great about it?

- Hmm….being away I think. When I left I had just moved from Scranton and I kept feeling like an alien, an outsider. You know that feeling you can get; when you're suddenly caught feeling foreign in a place, even a familiar place. When you look around and think that you shouldn't be there, that you don't fit in?

- Yes.

- Well by the time I arrived in Australia I had become quite familiar with that feeling.

- Oh..

- Yeah...but you know what, that turned out to be of comfort as soon as I arrived in Sydney.

- How so?

- Well, I guess you're supposed to feel like a foreigner when you travel to the other side of the world, so somehow there was comfort in that. Like what I was feeling in Australia was normal, I was normal. I don't know. It's hard to explain.

- I think I understand.

- Yeah.

- So….

- Soooo?

- So…what was awful about it?

Pam could see his face grow darker.

- Apart from the aimless walking?

- Yes.

- You know, being there alone and all.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be. It was my choice and I don't regret it.

- I'm glad.

- I wish you could have been there though.

- I wish that too.

He looked at her, the tension disappearing little by little. The wine had calmed her nerves a bit and she was no longer afraid that her hands would tremble as she put one of hers above his. He did not move.

- I'm sorry I wasn't there. I would have liked to be.

He turned his hand around and intertwined his fingers with hers.

- Thank you.

- For what?

- For saying that.

- It's the truth. I would have really liked to go to Australia with you.

She took another sip of her wine, her hand still in his. She looked into his eyes, scanning them for emotions. It had become harder to read him, but she thought she could see a streak of contentment. As the waiter came back to ask if they wanted desert, he let go of her hand.

- So what do you say? Are you ready for some desert?

- I think I saw some tiramisu earlier. That would be heaven.

The waiter smiled and took a note of it.

- How about you sir?

- I'll have the chocolate cake please.

- Very well, I will be right back with your deserts.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

She looked at him and could not help but tease.

- Chocolate cake huh? I guess you didn't pick up any exotic new desert habits down under.

- Hey….I happened to like chocolate cake.

- Hehe…I'm just teasing you.

- Okay.

Their deserts arrived quickly and they ate while joking about each other's desert preferences. Pam had only eaten half way through her cake when she realised she couldn't possible eat another bite. She put her desert fork down and rubbed her stomach signalling that she had had too much.

- What's wrong Beesly. You're not gonna finish your fancy Italian cake?

- I don't think I can eat another crumb tonight.

- Maybe we should take it to the park, feed the birds. See if we can't find a bird friend for you too.

- Hehehe….I don't think so.

- I guess you don't need any more friends. My mistake.

He tried to sound offended again but he wasn't even close. His voice a lot bubblier than it had been earlier in the evening. Pam was grateful that the date seemed to be moving in the right direction, although they hadn't really talked about anything too massive yet.

- Dork

The tone had become light and Pam relaxed. Then suddenly the mood shifted, for God knows what time that night, as he said.

- I'm so happy to be here with you.

His face was serious as he looked at her. The sudden change in his voice left her heart racing again.


	4. Chapter 4

- I am so happy to be here with you.

It was raw and honest, and came straight from his heart. She could feel it. Feel how happy he was to be there, with her. The seriousness in his voice had caught her off guard. They had been joking around and then he had changed the mood completely. She had kept staring at him; her face a mix of surprise and a bit of fear. She hated that she became scared. Still. She shouldn't be scared of him. But she was. Because what he said flung open a door into a new realm for them.

She had missed him terribly. She had missed his friendship terribly. She knew she wanted more than just friendship, but she wasn't ready for it yet. Her brain wasn't able to keep up with the changes of the day. So many things were still left unsaid. Jim had surpassed them all with that tone in his voice. So many emotions surged through her body that for the second time that night she had wondered if her heart was going to split from the pressure. Jim had looked at her, waiting for her response.

- Sure you wouldn't rather be out looking for friends in the park?

It made absolutely no sense. She knew it as soon as the words came out of her mouth. Desperation had taken over and she acted on autopilot.

Avoidance.

Over the years she had become an expert in the field. In a second she had taken them back to joyful banter mode. She could see Jim breaking eye-contact and swallowing hard before he barely uttered a…

- Nah..

She cursed herself for being weak. For the first time that evening her courage had forsaken her. She felt like crying, but she forced her feelings away and looked up at him with a smile.

- Okay then.

Pam was early. Dwight and Oscar were the only ones there when she walked in. It was Monday morning and sleep had been sparse. Her weekend had consisted only of drawing and painting, her fingers still a little blue and green from it. She had needed to paint not to go completely crazy with restlessness.

A soft kiss. Late Friday afternoon. In the parking lot. All she could think about.

***

Click.

The door opened. Not him.

- Good morning Phyllis.

- Good morning Pam.

Their date had been awkward and wonderful all at once. It had been amazing to be able to just sit and talk to him again; to have him all to herself. The whole date had felt like an out of body experience. She had pondered when reality would set in, disclosing it as merely a dream. Little by little she had let reality sink in; the date was real. It had been overwhelming and a bit scary, but mostly it had been amazing. Their date had been good, but she had worried that she might have blown it with her response to Jim's honesty. Turned out she hadn't. Jim had regained his composure and just looked at her, first a bit disappointed and then indulgent. He knew her too well. She'd felt embarrassed that he could see her that clearly, that he could see her fear and weakness. She had wanted to show that she had changed, to prove her strength to him, but for a moment she had lost it.

He had taken her back to work to get her car, and they had been joking about office stuff and it had all felt comfortable and safe. When they exited his car she had already started to plan their next date, which she'd hoped would take place the next day. They had walked over to her car and as she was fidgeting with her keys she had suggested they'd meet for a movie the next day. Jim was on board at once, but then his face went blank and he said.

- I cannot believe this, but I can't tomorrow.

- You can't?

- No…damn. Listen, I have promised my brother to come up to New Jersey this weekend and help him move. I was planning to leave tomorrow, after work. I had totally forgotten about it.

- Oh.

She tried very hard to disguise the disappointment in her voice, but he picked up on it immediately.

- Yeah, sorry about that. Kind of sucks, but I think I have to.

-No, no of course. Yeah, don't worry about it. I understand. Yeah.

- You see, his wife is six months pregnant and should not be doing any heavy lifting. My brother made me swear I'd help him make sure she carries nothing heavier than toilet-paper.

- Hehehehe…..brother patrol.

- Hehe….well…that's how it is.

- Really Jim. Don't worry about it. I totally understand. And by the way, did NOT know that you were going to be an uncle. Congratulation!

- Yeah, the whole family is exited. This will be their first child, so you can imagine.

- Wow.

- Yeah, it's great.

- You'll be a wonderful uncle.

She could see that her comment made him proud. Pam had always felt that Jim would be a great father one day. There was something about him that made him get along with people, even children. She had never been good with children. She hadn't even been that interested in having children, but as she stood there, watching Jim smiling, something inside shifted.

- Thanks. I hope so. I am really anxious for her to get here.

- Her?

- Yeah, it's a girl.

She looked up at him and knew her face had to be showing everything she felt for him. He looked down at her, his eyebrows raised.

- What?

- Oh…nothing. That's just really great. I'm…..

- You're?

- I don't know, I'm just really glad to know that about you.

- Know what?

- That you're going to be an uncle.

- Oh….well, good.

- I mean, it's just good to know things about you that's not purely work related you know.

- Yeah…guess, I understand what you mean.

- Yeah.

- So does this mean I'm forgiven for bailing on you this weekend?

- Absolutely. We'll do that movie thing next week.

-Can't wait.

With that he had taken her into his arms and given her a long embrace. She had driven home with a huge grin on her face. The next day at work they had both, for once, been awfully busy and they had just been able to steal a couple of moments together at lunch. The tone was light and they both made sure to be casual when surrounded by their co-workers. At four-thirty Jim picked up his bag and went over to her to say goodbye. As she watched him leave the office she couldn't believe how much she already missed him. She looked around. Her co-workers looked busy, and she decided to slip out for a minute, hoping to catch him before he left. To impatient to wait for the elevator, she ran down the stairs. She saw him as he was unlocking his car.

- Hey Jim! Wait a minute!

He turned around with a surprised, but happy look on his face. She ran over to him.

- What's up?

- Oh, nothing. I just wanted to tell you something.

- Okay.

She looked at him for a couple of seconds as she regained her breath. He looked at her, amusement in his eyes.

- So, what is it?

- I just wanted to tell you to have a good weekend.

- Oh. Well, thanks. You too Pam. That's it?

- No.

He took a step forward and she could almost feel him against her. He scanned her face, waiting.

- No?

- No…I wanted to tell you something else too.

- Okay.

She took another step forward, situating herself right in front of him.

- I'll miss you.

She'd put her arm around the back of his head and pulled him to her. The kiss had been quick and soft. His lips warm against hers. She had pulled away quicker than she had wanted to, but the kiss had taken her by surprise. She hadn't planned to kiss him. When she looked up into his eyes, she was almost floored by the emotions in them. She turned around and walked away. As she reached the door she had turned around catching him in the same spot looking at her.

- Bye Halpert. Drive safely. See you Monday.

She had escaped into the building before he could give her a response. She chuckled at the memory. She felt proud of herself. She had been thinking of that moment the entire weekend.

***

Click

- Hello little Pamster Hamster.

- Morning Michael.

- It's going to be a good week. I can just feel it. Any messages?

- No.

- Okey Pam-i-lam. I'll be in my office.

Click

- Good morning Angela.

- Good morning Pam.

She yawned and decided to go get herself some coffee. She had never been much of a coffee drinker but she could definitely use some caffeine today. When she returned to her desk Jim still hadn't come in and now the clock was ten to nine. He had to be just around the corner. She decided to go through her e-mail-box while she waited.

Click

She looked up. There he was. She couldn't stop the smile that started to form on her face. She tilted her head and looked up at him as he leaned against her desk.

- Hey.

- Good morning Pam. How are you?

His voice was so sweet and she could feel her stomach flip.

- Great. How are you? Did you finish all the moving?

- Oh…I'm good, and yes we finished.

- So now they're all settled in their new house?

- Yes. It's a great house. Porch and picket fence and all that. When I was up there it suddenly dawned on me how "grown up" my brother has become.

- Yeah…I suppose a wife and child will do that to a guy.

- Yeah.

He looked down at her smiling.

- So, how was you weekend?

- Oh you know. Painted a few pictures, cleaned my apartment, went on a couple of dates…

- A couple of dates huh? I hope they were satisfactory?

- Nah, not really. I'm holding out for tonight though.

- Oh…?

- Yeah….thought about taking this great uncle to be out to the movies.

- That sounds good. I hope you'll have a good time.

- Me too.

- Okay then. Talk to you later. Time to do some work.

She could feel him smiling as he walked away. It took all her will power to return her eyes to the computer screen. She spent the rest of the morning going through e-mails, sending out faxes and drinking coffee. From time to time she glanced over at Jim and she could see him trying to look pre-occupied with phone calls and sales reports, but there was always a smile lurking at the side of his mouth.

***

PING

Her instant messenger popped up on her screen. It was Jim.

Jim: If you do not stop looking at me I'll never finish my work.

Pam: Don't blame me for your poor work performance.

Jim: I think I just did.

Pam: You're such a dork.

Jim: Hey, that hurts

Pam: A little sensitive today are we?

Jim: Guess I am.

Pam: Why's that Halpert?

Jim: Oh you know, got this hot date tonight.

Pam: Really? Anyone I know?

Jim: Maybe.

Pam: Elaborate.

Jim: Well, she kissed me in the parking lot the other day. Did you happen to see her?

Wow. She hadn't expected him to bring up the kiss in an IM conversation. She felt flabbergasted and tried to type a response.

Pam: No, don't think I did. But maybe I'll catch another kiss tonight.

As she was about to press "Send" the door opened and she turned her head to see who it was. Her heart started to race as she saw Karen turning around to close the door behind her. She quickly looked over at Jim, a worried expression on her face. Jim hadn't seen Karen yet and he lifted his eyebrows to ask - what?  
Then Karen was at her desk.

- Hello Karen.

- Don't even… Any messages for me?

- No.

Karen didn't look at her, but she could feel the anger permeate from her. She turned and walked away from her, uttering only two words as she walked past Jim's desk.

- Kitchen, now!

Jim looked down, took a few breaths of air and followed her. Pam had hoped he would look at her, but he hadn't. As the kitchen door closed she could see Karen's hands begin to gesticulate. From what Pam could see, Jim didn't say much. He sort of just stood there, taking it all in. She felt so bad for him. Wanted to run in there and tell Karen to shut up and leave him alone. Ten minutes into her monologue the level of Karen's voice grew high enough for their co-workers to hear. Several heads lifted as she went on and on about him being a jerk for treating her this way.

- DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

Pam could see Jim looking down into Karen's raging face. He shook his head while saying something that was impossible to hear.

- YOU USED ME AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS SORRY. THAT YOU ARE SORRY??

Pam could se Jim moving closer to her, grabbing onto one of her hands.

- DON'T YOU F*****G TOUCH ME. DON'T YOU EVER F*****G TOUCH ME.

Karen wiggled her hands free; hitting him in the chest to get him to take a step back. He raised his arms in a way to indicate for her to calm down.

- CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN. THAT'S ALL YOU EVER SAY ISN'T IT? WHY DON'T YOU CALM UP A LITTLE BIT? SHOW ME THERE'S A TRACE OF FEELINGS IN YOU. HOW CAN YOU TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THIS?

Pam couldn't listen anymore. Every accusation Karen threw at him felt like a knife blade that was hitting them both. It was almost lunchtime anyway. She figured she could slip out of there unnoticed. She directed her phone to voicemail, took an apple from her purse and went out of the office. She walked into the stairwell and sat down. Karen's voice was still ringing in her ears. The lovely morning had been ruined. She ached for Jim, he didn't deserve Karen coming down at him so hard. She ate her apple, trying to focus on something other than Jim getting an earful in the kitchen.

When she walked into the office twenty minutes later most of her co-workers were on their lunch break. Jim and Karen were no where to be seen. She walked towards the break room, running into Phyllis on her way. She looked at her and said.

- They went out.

- Who?

- Jim and Karen. They left.

- Oh, ok.

She turned around before Phyllis could say anything else and headed back to her desk. She wasn't in the mood to gossip with the others. She couldn't even bear the thought of it. Another twenty minutes went by and she tried to concentrate on a game of minesweeper, but she kept hitting the mines.

Click.

Karen walked back into the office, her eyes a little red. Pam wanted to say something, but she came up empty. Karen walked straight past her and sat down at her own desk.

Click.

Jim walked in. His eyes were exhausted and resigned as he looked at her. She mouthed "I'm sorry" and he smiled at her, while walking quickly past her.

Her IM window was still open and she deleted her last sentence and replaced it by another one and hit send.

Pam: You okay?

Jim: Yes.

Pam: Sure?

Jim: Absolutely.

Pam: I'm sorry she came down on you so hard.

Jim: I deserved it.

Pam: No, you didn't.

Jim: Yes, I did.

Pam didn't quite know how to answer him so she closed the IM window and returned to her minesweeper.

A little before five people started to head out and she was about to turn of her computer when her IM pinged.

Jim: Meet me in the stairwell?

Pam: Sure.

She turned off her computer and collected her things. She looked up at him as she was leaving her desk, but he kept staring at his computer. The stairwell was warm and she took off her jacket and sat down, waiting. Some minutes later she heard the click of the door and she turned around to see him closing the door behind him. He sat down next to her.

- Quite a day huh?

She tried to keep her tone light, but one look at him and she realised this wasn't going to be one of those light conversations.

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be. It's not your fault.

- I know, but I feel guilty.

- You shouldn't. It would never have worked out. It isn't your fault.

- Oh.

- Don't get me wrong. We might have been together longer if you hadn't….

- If I hadn't?

- Said the things you said on the beach.

- Ok.

- But it never would have lasted.

- Ok.

He looked so exhausted and she wanted to put her arms around him, but she didn't.

- I think she was out of line in there today.

He lifted his head, but continued to look straight ahead instead of at her. He didn't say anything at first. Pam got the feeling he was contemplating what to tell her, again.

- She wasn't really that out of line. Much of what she said was true.

- Jim…what happened in New York?

He turned his head and looked into her eyes. She was surprised to see a hint of moisture in them. He shook his head before he placed his hands over his face, rubbing up and down. Pam hadn't seen him like this before and it startled her.

- God Pam…..I don't even know where to begin.

- Okay. Take all the time you need.

- Okay.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes and Pam started to worry that he might never speak. She wanted to do something, say something, to let him know that she was there for him, no matter what. Then her body suddenly acted on its own. She slid herself right next to him, her body pressing against his. Then her hand found his and their hands intertwined.

- Jim. Let me be here for you. Talk to me.

- I don't know if I can. Not about this Pam.

- Listen Jim, I know how difficult this must be, but you need to trust me on this. I'm not going anywhere.

She kept stroking his hand with her thumb; urging him to go on.

- I….

His voice died as he gasped for air. Pam knew he had to let it out; she just wasn't sure how hard to push him. She could feel that she was on the verge of breaking through to him, but she could also feel the chaos in his head. Maybe now wasn't the best time, maybe she should give him some time to get the days events sorted.

- Okay. Listen, I have a plan. What do you say we skip that movie tonight and order some take-out instead? We can go back to my place and then we can talk.

He turned his head and looked at her again; a little smile forming at the corner of his mouth.

- That sounds really good Pam.

- Alright then. It's already half past five, let's say we get out of this stairwell and scoop out some food.

- Yeah.

She stood; her hand still intertwined with his, and dragged him up. She would get him to talk. At home.


	5. Chapter 5

They'd gone to Alfredo's to pick up a pepperoni pizza. As they sat on Pam's couch devouring it, watching television, and drinking beer she almost forgot about Karen. Jim was more relaxed, but he had been very quiet. Pam carried much of the conversation.

- I think I'll put away the rest of the pizza, if you're full?

- Yes, thank you.

- Do you want another beer?

- Sure. Tell you what. You put away the pizza and I'll grab us some beers.

Pam took the pizza box and walked into her tiny kitchen. She put away the rest of the pizza and placed their plates in the sink.

- So this is the kitchen you were bragging about?

- Yes. Isn't it lovely?

- Still don't understand how you can cook in here? How old is that stove?

- Shut up. It was here when I moved in.

- Is that supposed to be an excuse?

- Give it a rest Halpert. Contrary to what you might believe I don't make a heap of money behind that reception desk.

- You don't? I was convinced you made at least six figures a year.

- Yes, that's right. I only live here because I like the charming atmosphere. That, and I'm saving up for a castle.

- Wow, a castle huh? One or two towers?

- Definitely two.

- I'm looking forward to being invited to dinner.

- Hehe….play you're cards right and I might let you live in one of the towers.

- That would be great.

- You can be my little court jester.

- Do I have to wear the pointy shoes and the colourful costume?

- Oh Yeah. Definitely.

Pam loved how the tone had stayed light throughout the evening. They were having so much fun together; rekindling their friendship. She had forgotten how much fun it was to laugh with him. She remembered how she once had told her mother about a day at work. She'd been sick and tired of her job and her mood had been sulky all day. Jim had noticed. He spent the entire day moving Dwight's bobblehead's around his desk, until Dwight finally noticed. He had gotten Pam to help him convince Dwight that the "heads" had come alive, formed an alliance and now plotted to kill him. Pam never thought she would stop laughing when Dwight tied them all up to his monitor. Hours later, home alone, she was still laughing when she told her mother about it. When her own laughter eventually subsided she noticed that her mother hadn't said anything. Pam had asked if she was still there, and her mother had confirmed that she was. When Pam had asked her why she hadn't said anything, her mother had said in a warm and loving voice "I'm glad he makes you laugh". She had thought little of it at the time, but later she came to realise that her mother knew the truth long before she did herself. Jim snuck into their conversations a lot. When she called her mother, after Jim's confession, her mother hadn't even seemed that surprised.

When she returned to the living room, Jim was flipping through her CD's. She didn't really have that many. Roy had bought most of the music and the CD's had stayed with him when she left.

- "Moods of the Tibetan mountain-side"?

Jim held up a CD and looked at her with a cute smile.

- Yeah, it's surprisingly calming. I usually listen to it when I paint.

- You do? And what do you paint. Tibetan monks?

- Hehe….keep laughing, but it works. I've completed two whole paintings this weekend.

- Really? Can I see them?

- Sure.

She opened the big chest that also served as a coffee table and pulled out two pictures. She handed them to him.

- Wow, these are really good. Is that the big three in the park just outside?

- Yep. Spent most of Friday night on a park bench drawing it.

- It's really good Pam. You can almost feel the wind ruffling the treetop. Wow. It's…wow. You're really talented. I hope you know that.

- Thank you.

She could feel herself beginning to blush. She wasn't good at receiving praise. Praise from him was almost overwhelming. She'd been truly hurt when he hadn't come to her art show. Looking at him now, awe in his eyes as he inspected her picture, she forgave him. His eyes caught the second picture and her heart began to race a little.

- Oh my god. Is this…?

- Our first date.

- Wow.

- Glad you liked it.

It was a simple aquarelle painting. Two hands that intertwined over a table; a bottle of white wine, two empty plates and a candle.

- I don't even know what to say Pam. This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I'm tempted to steal it away from you.

- Hehehe…you don't have to. I want you to have it.

- Seriously?

- Yes.

- I can't take this. It's too much.

- I want you to have it Jim. I mean it.

- God….

He turned to her as he shook his head in disbelief.

- This is the best thing anyone's ever done for me.

His voice was a little shaky and she could hear that her gesture had really moved him.

- You're welcome Jim. I'm so happy that you like it.

- Like it? I love it. It's amazing Pam. Thank you.

He turned to her and hugged her. She gave his hand an extra squeeze as he let go of her. She stood watching him, watching her picture. She thought it was the most beautiful image she had ever beheld. A couple of minutes went by before Jim carefully put the pictures down on the chest. They sat down and clanked their beer bottles together.

- To a lovely evening and a talented artist.

- Thank you.

Pam turned her attention to the TV and figured she should turn it off. She found the remote and clicked the red power button. Then she turned to Jim. The painting had set in vibration a lot of emotions and Pam could feel it was time. This wasn't just games and play, and them being together as friends anymore. The painting had brought what they both felt for each other to the forefront of their consciousness. She could feel and trust it. It was real. It was time to address some of the skeletons in their closet.

- I think it's time we talked.

She could see Jim flinching in his seat. He obviously didn't want to have this conversation, but she knew they had to.

- Oh..kay.

- So do you want to tell me about New York?

- Oh..kay.

She leaned forward to indicate that he should begin.

- Well…we went down there on Wednesday night.

- Yeah?

- Are you sure you want to hear about this?

- I think I have to Jim. And I think you have to tell me, to put it all behind you.

- Yeah….I know you're right. It's just….I don't know. Weird or something. To talk about her with you.

- I understand that. It's a bit weird to hear you talking about her. But if we're going to start with any kind of clean slate here...well, then we must talk.

- Yeah…I know.

- So?

- Well….like I said. We went down there on Wednesday and spent the evening out in the city.

- How was it?

- I don't want to lie to you Pam.

- Then don't. Just tell me the truth. You're here now. I can handle it.

- Okay. It was fun. We had a good evening, and I could truly see myself living there.

Pam felt her throat start to thicken, and she swallowed to keep the urge to cry away. He didn't notice that she shifted on the couch. He seemed lost in his own reflections.

- Okay.

- Yeah. I know huh. I was pretty close to making a big mistake.

Jim shook his head like he was thinking about another man, in another life time.

- What happened to change your mind?

- Oh…I don't know. Many things I guess.

- Tell me Jim.

- Well….I guess I was a bit startled when Karen told me she would move to New York if I got the job.

- She said she would move with you?

- Yeah. She also wanted me to move with her if she got the job.

- And?

- Well, I don't know. Our relationship suddenly became real to me.

- What do you mean?

- I…Up until that point. It hadn't been too serious you know. But you don't move with someone unless you're serious about them. So…you know, it forced me to really think about it. Really consider a future with her.

- You hadn't done that before you went to New York? You'd already been together for quite some time.

- Yeah, I know. This will make me sound like a jackass, but I guess I just took it one day at the time, just having fun in the moment. Or…ehh….not fun, I didn't mean….you know.

- I'm not sure I do.

- I didn't mean that I was just with her to kill time, I liked and respected her. We had fun together. I still like and respect her. She's a good person.

- Ohh. I see.

- I'm sorry Pam. I'm still not sure we should be talking about his.

- We should. Don't worry about it.

- Well….the trip to New York sort of brought the relationship to the forefront of my world, and I had to examine it. So I did. I sat in the Dunder Mifflin waiting area before my interview, pretending to read a magazine, while all I could think about was how Karen probably wasn't the right woman for me.

- Where was Karen?

- She was there. We waited together. Michael was there too, but he was called in first.

- Okay.

- When Karen finished her interview she went to meet some friends for lunch. The interview went really well. I knew I had the job half way through it. Something that should have made me happy, but it only left me feeling desperate that I would actually have to move to New York and start a new life there. I just wasn't ready for it.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be. I don't regret turning it down. Not at all.

- I'm glad to hear you say that. Because I wouldn't have wanted you to turn it down if it was something you really wanted.

- Pam, the one thing I really wanted wasn't in New York.

- Oh..

- So I turned it down.

- So you realised you didn't want it during your interview?

- Yeah.

- How come?

- I got your note.

He looked into her eyes, waiting for her reaction. She didn't bother hiding it. A huge smile broke.

- God Pam….

- What?

- I've missed that smile.

- You have?

- Yeah. It's probably the most gorgeous smile in the world.

- Hehe….stop it. You'll make me blush.

- I hope I do. You're so cute when you blush.

- Hehe…okay Halpert. That's enough. Let's focus our attention back to New York.

- Awhhh….do we have to?

- Hehe…yup, we do. So you got my note and then what?

- And then…Well, let's just say it became impossible to fight what I knew I had to do.

- That being?

- Go back to the life I actually wanted, in Scranton, ehh….With you.

All of a sudden an urge to be close to him overtook her and she leapt forward, throwing her arms around him and resting her face on his shoulder. He seemed surprised at first, but then he put his arms around her and held her tight. He quietly whispered in her ear.

- Hey there….

- Yeah

- I'm so glad I did.

- Did what?

- Come home to Scranton, silly.

- I'm so glad you did too. You have no idea.

They stayed in each other arms for a while. Pam could feel Jim caressing her back. She had always dreamt of having those hands touch her that way. An excited rush went through her spine. For a split second she couldn't help but wonder how those hands would feel against her bare skin. She felt herself blushing and prayed it would subside shortly. Jim had started to twirl his hands in her hair and she knew she would have to break away not to lose herself completely in the moment. She leaned back and released her grip. As she did, she could feel him do the same. She situated herself a bit further back, as to prevent herself from touching him. A few moments later she met his eyes.

- So you decided to come back, and then what did you do?

- Well, I knew I had to find Karen.

- How did you feel about that?

- About what?

- Having to break it off with her?

- You know what. It's strange. Because as soon as I knew I had to go back I was almost too resolute in my quest.

- What do you mean?

- All I could think about was getting to Karen so that I could leave New York and go home. So I called her and we agreed to meet a few blocks from the Dunder Mifflin headquarter. She had been out with her friends, eating lunch or something. I stood waiting for her for ten minutes and I became more and more impatient and anxious to leave. When she finally arrived she seemed so happy, almost skipping along the sidewalk. I've never seen her skip anywhere. I remember thinking that maybe she wouldn't take it so hard because she was so happy.

Jim had been looking down the entire time he told the story, but as he said the last thing he looked up and into her eyes. He started to shake his head at the expression on Pam's face.

- I know huh. I was stupid. I've been stupid for a long time. Refusing to see her, see what she felt.

As he talked Pam noticed how his voice had grown darker and guilty. She felt she was about to have a revisit from stairwell Jim. She hated to see him like this. She understood the guilt of breaking someone's heart. She'd done it twice in under a month. She would have done anything to spare him from what he was going through. She knew too well what it was like to refuse to see someone, and she worried that Jim knew too well what it was like to be on the receiving end. That had to make his guilt deeper.

- We make mistakes.

Her words had been uttered as an unconscious comment on her reflections, but she could see how Jim's shoulders relaxed a little bit. He looked at her, so much sadness and regret in his voice.

- We do.

In that moment they communicated just by looking at each other, acknowledging how many mistakes had been made in the past. There was no accusation on either part, just a resigned feeling of having been so stupid and having lost so much time. Then she could see Jim drifting away, returning his focus to New York.

- She instantly knew that something was wrong. I guess it was written all over my face. We sat down by a fountain and she started to ask me about the interview. I don't think she had any idea that I was going to end things.

- Oh…I'm sorry.

- Well…you know. It is what it is. Anyway. I told her the interview had gone well but that I wasn't interested in the job anymore.

- What did she say?

- I think she was too surprised to say anything; she just continued staring at me.

- I see.

- So…oh God. I just told her.

Pam could see Jim's hurt and regret emerging. His face was agonizing to watch.

- What did you say?

- I told her I couldn't be with her anymore, that we were all wrong for each other.

- Ohh…

- And then she started crying. I said I was sorry a couple of times. I was so stupid, so pre-occupied. I even kept looking at my watch, thinking that I should be leaving in order to get back to Scranton. The third time I did it, she caught me.

- Oh…Jim.

- I know. I feel really bad about it, because it sort of slammed all the doors open. And I don't know…I just didn't want to have that conversation again. So I just said "Look, I have to go. I'm sorry". When I said it, she stopped crying for a moment and looked at me like I was an alien or something. Someone she didn't recognize. Like I said, I was so impatient and I wanted to leave, so I left.

- Oh...Jim.

Now she understood why Karen had been so furious. Jim was right. She had every reason to be. Pam couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Karen had never asked to be placed in the middle of this, and she knew Jim would feel guilty about it for quite some time to come.

- I know. It was a terrible thing to do. There's no excuse. I should have stayed with her, made sure she was okay. I don't know. I just couldn't. We've had so many conversations about us, and you…and I don't know. I just couldn't have another one.

- You've had conversations about me?

- Yeah. Lots of them.

- How come?

- Oh…that's a long story.

- I've got time.

- Well, I guess the first time it came up was after we all went out on sales calls and Phyllis said something to Karen.

- Oh my God. What could Phyllis have said? How did she even know anything?

- Hehe…..I think Phyllis knew about us before even you and I did.

- Wow...really...okay. So what did she tell Karen?

- I don't know exactly what she said, but she mentioned that I had feelings for you.

- And how did Karen react to that?

- Not that bad at first. I think she felt it was a bit uncomfortable, but I assured her that I didn't have those feelings anymore.

- Oh…

- I lied.

Pam just smiled and relaxed her tense shoulders.

- I assume it became worse later then?

- Yeah. After we pulled that prank on Andy; do you remember?

- Yeah, of course.

- Well, she asked me point blank if I still had feelings for you.

- She did?

- Yeah.

- And what did you say.

- I said yes.

- Wow.

- So that more or less spiralled into an unparalleled number of nights of talk. I didn't sleep for a week.

- I remember that. God, I had no idea I was the cause of that.

- Yeah…you more or less robbed me of my beauty sleep.

- Hehe….sorry.

- This time I just knew that we could sit on that fountain the rest of the summer talking and it still wouldn't change a thing, so I left her.

- I understand.

- You do?

- Well, not that you left in quite such a hurry, but I understand the reason. I guess I understand why she was angry today too.

- Yeah. I should probably talk to her.

- Do you want to?

- I don't know. I guess I don't have anything left to say.

- Then maybe you should just let it be. I think she probably said what she had to say today.

- Hehe…suppose so. I guess the entire office know what SHE had to say. But hey….I deserved it. I don't know. I've been guilty for a long time. Somehow it's easier when she yells at me. I prefer that to tears.

- That I understand.

Jim didn't say anything for a couple of minutes, and Pam wondered if he had said what he intended to say on the issue.

- So….How do you feel about it now?

- What do you mean?

- I mean. How do you feel right now? About what happened today.

- Well…I feel a bit embarrassed I guess.

- How so?

- Well, that you had to witness that whole mess. You and the entire office.

- Oh…I wouldn't worry about it. Tomorrow Michael will do something to make them forget about you.

- Hehe….you're probably right. But I am sorry you had to witness that.

- Oh…don't worry about it Jim. I left when she started to yell.

- Oh…okay. Good. I guess.

- And I feel guilty.

- Yeah. I know.

- I don't like that she's hurting because of me.

- Me neither.

- When will that guilt go away?

- I don't know Jim. Part of it will probably always be there. But it'll get better. I promise.

She looked at him, sitting there on her couch, fiddling with his beer bottle. She still couldn't quite believe he was actually there; telling her in no uncertain terms that his relationship with Karen had been wrong and that he still had feelings for her. She'd always wondered about their relationship, seeing that Jim wasn't too happy, but she felt that it all changed after Phyllis' wedding. They seemed so happy together when they were at the beach. Maybe that's why she felt driven to speak up. Somewhere inside she had known that he was really moving on. It scared her to realise how close she'd come to losing him; all because she couldn't be honest. Looking at him now she felt the need to apologize.

- Listen Jim.

His eyes moved up and to her. He stopped fiddling with his beer bottle.

- I want to apologize.

- You do?

- Yes.

- You don't have to.

- I think I do.

Pam felt her heart start to race again. This was it. She was going to go back there. Back to that awful and wonderful night last spring. She looked at him. He looked nervous too. Was it too soon?

- I'm sorry about Roy.

- What do you mean?

- That I went back to him.

- Oh....

- Yeah. It was a stupid mistake.

- Why did you then?

- A momentary lapse in judgement.

- I have to admit I was surprised.

- Yeah….I was surprised too.

She thought about how she'd gone home with Roy. How Roy had been so attentive and sweet. He could be really sweet when he wanted too. At home they sat at the kitchen table drinking hot chocolate and talking, and for a few moments she had been able to put the image of Karen and Jim out of her head. After they'd had sex Roy had drifted off to sleep at once. She had turned her back to him and let the tears flow. An hour of Roy's steady snoring had gone by before she had been able to fall asleep. She'd been so lost and sad. Being with the wrong man was actually worse than being with no man at all. When she woke the next day, the clarity of that sleepless hour had been pushed somewhere deep in her mind and she had welcomed Roy's request for them to go grab some breakfast.

- Oh?

- Yeah. I knew it was a mistake the second Roy almost fell asleep on me.

Jim's eyes went from questioning to containing only shock and horror. Oh my god, what had she said. Why had she told him that? Her cheeks grew red and the more she wanted to keep the blushing away, the redder she became.

- Oh sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I….. I…..I didn't mean to put it like that.

Jesus. What was she doing? She was making it worse. Quick, say something to save the moment. Say something that'll take away that dreadful look on his face. Once again she was in loss of words and honesty. He kept looking at her, his face even more hurt than when he'd told her about Karen. She didn't know what to do.

- Oh…oh….okay.

His voice was absolutely heartbroken and she kicked herself for making his evening even worse. She had meant to apologize. Suddenly she did the only thing that seemed natural. She'd leaned forward and grabbed hold of his hands; intertwining them as best she could. She looked up into his eyes and felt the tears forming behind her own as she said.

- Listen Jim. It's you and me now. I'm never going back there again. Trust that. Please you have to trust that. It was a terrible mistake and I am so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I just needed someone that night. Something familiar and safe. I was so alone. It was stupid I know. I shouldn't have been so weak. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

As she talked she could feel how her eyes welled over. Tears were running in a steady flow down her chin. She continued. Her voice was determined and strong.

- All I could think about was you. You barely left my mind that night, and I couldn't sleep and it was just awful. I'm so sorry Jim. I'm just so sorry about it all. You trust me right? I'm never going back there. Do you trust me? Please say you trust me.

She could feel her voice growing desperate as the look on his face didn't reveal much. Then he suddenly moved forward, let go of her hands and embraced her. Her chin was resting towards his chest. She felt one hand behind her head and the other stroking her back.

- Please don't cry.

His voice was low and begging.

- I just can't stand to see you cry.

That, of course, only made her cry even harder. She could feel how he tensed up again. She felt embarrassed she cried. She didn't know why she'd suddenly burst into tears. It must have been the emotional toil of the evening. She was exhausted. She slowly got control over her tears and whispered into his shirt.

- I'm sorry Jim.

- What did you say Pam?

His voice was so low and loving that she thought her heart would burst.

- I said I was sorry.

- That's okay. You've got nothing to be sorry about. I understand.

His words made her lift her head and move away from him.

- No Jim, really. I need for you to accept my apology. I know I was wrong.

- Okay Pam. Then I accept your apology. And now I want you to accept mine.

- What do you mean?

- I want you to accept MY apology.

- For what?

- For giving you a reason to go home with him that night.

- Ohh….

- You think I don't know about being weak and needy?

- What do you mean?

- Karen said something today.

- Ohh…

- Yeah, she said I used her.

- Ohh..?

- Said I used her only to entice you.

- Ohh…did you?

- God no. At least not on a conscious level. I wouldn't do that. You must know that right?

- Yeah…I do. It's just….this past year have been so crazy.

- I know……Anyway, when she said it. I realised it was partially true. Not the part about using her to entice you, but the part of me using her.

- What do you mean?

- I mean I sort of used her because I needed someone to come back with me, back with me to Scranton. I couldn't face it all alone.

- Ohh….

- Yeah. So you see, weak and needy. I'm the champion of that category. Where's my throphy?

They looked at each other and Pam couldn't help but laugh.

- We're a pathetic kind aren't we?

- Hehehe….oh yeah….definitely. The worst they come.

They drifted back into another hug and Pam rested her chin on his shoulder. She didn't ever want to let go of this man. This was it. She could feel it.

- I'm glad we found each other.

- I'm glad too.

She turned her head so that her lips were facing his chin and then she kissed him. She closed her eyes and continued kissing him until their mouths found each other and the world stopped. She'd never felt anything even close to this. Exiting and calming at the same time. Their lips even matched. Their kiss was gentle and exploring at first, and then more passionate. It was easier to express what she felt this way. She wondered if he felt the same. She lost track of time and place and just existed. In that moment, all that mattered was them.

Thank you for the sweet reviews. Please don't hesitate to tell me what you think. I appreciate all kinds of feedback.


	6. Chapter 6

Pam could hear a soft swish as the wind grabbed hold of her curtains and lifted them into her bedroom. An almost full moon was dipping above the treetops in the park. It was warm, but the clouds that kept covering the moon were dark. Rain was coming, she could feel it. Rain usually provoked in her a melancholic state of mind. The radio-clock on her night stand showed 11.53. She was not in close proximity to sleep. The evening's events kept playing behind her closed eyelids.

Jim had left a little before eleven o'clock. She had insisted on walking him to his car and Jim had agreed hesitantly, not wanting her out so late. She'd laughed at him and told him she'd grown quite accustomed to taking care of herself, even late at night. Their kiss good-night had been soft and caring. She'd stood watching him drive away until the car lights had disappeared in the distance. The wind had taken hold of her curls as she walked slowly back to her apartment building. The breeze caressing her skin made her feel almost giddy. There was something so sensual in the air. When she had reached the building she leaned up against it, closed her eyes and just let the wind swivel around her. About ten minutes had gone by before she began to feel the coolness of the night and returned inside.

The TV was still playing and her chest was full of chocolate paper and popcorn gone astray. She put away empty cans of coke and figured she'd leave the rest until tomorrow. As she stood inside the kitchen watching the couch, she felt a rush of excitement. It was the same cheap couch as the one she'd bought a year back, but now it contained memories that made her question if she could ever give it up.

Most of the night had been spent on the couch. Pam had felt relaxed and happy, and so grateful that Jim was there. Several times that night she had looked over to make sure he was actually there; their new relationship - still a bit surreal. She had spent so many nights alone in her living room, missing him, thinking about him with his new girlfriend. She was amazed at how the roles were suddenly reversed. Where was Karen tonight?  
After the pizza and beer, they'd propped themselves with popcorn and chocolate. At one point they'd ended up throwing popcorn into a glass on the table, Pam winning 5-3. She suspected that he lost on purpose. They'd both started yawning while watching a lame movie on the Hallmark channel. She'd been curled up against his chest, his arm resting on her knee. Jim had been the first to suggest they should call it a night. She had unwillingly raised her head and nodded. She knew he was right, but for some reason she was slightly afraid to let him go. Before he kissed her good-bye he suggested they didn't say anything to the others. Pam couldn't care less who knew, but she could see that he had a point. He'd just broken it off with Karen and it would be disrespectful to flaunt their happiness in front of her.

Pam turned around and opened her eyes in time to get a glimpse of the moon as the curtains lifted. Every other minute her face was covered in the soft glow. She felt every heart beat, every breath of air, every puff of wind that fondled her face. So this was how it felt to truly come back to life; to feel the heartbeats in one's chest; to be in one's body completely; to feel every nerve in that body. She wanted to capture that feeling and tried to find the words to describe it. This was what she wanted for the rest of her life. She thought about the year that had gone by since Jim had turned her world upside down. She'd struggled so hard to find the words; failing again and again, pushing him further and further away. Her mind had been unable to give her the words she had needed. Now she understood why. The clarity of this night had made everything so transparent. Her mind didn't understand the language of her heart. Therefore it could never speak on its behalf. Tonight she'd communicated from her heart. She prayed for the courage to continue to let it speak freely.

Pam drifted off for a few seconds until the memory of his lips on hers jolted her back to consciousness. They had kissed several times that evening; the longest and most passionate one after their talk. She had felt the energy between them; a pent up intensity that was finally released. For a few moments she'd actually forced herself to pretend she was kissing some random guy, because the fact that it was Jim was too gigantic a concept for her heart to grasp. Lying there alone in bed - every image- every touch - every little memory of their night together came rushing back. His hand set low on her back, his other hand on her chin, in her hair, on her neck.  
There was something so arousing about those hands, those fingers trailing her skin. If she closed her eyes and concentrated she could feel them. She turned over on her back and opened the top button on her pyjama top. Her breathing quickened a little as she retraced the trail Jim's fingers had made on her neck. She remembered how he'd kissed her on her bottom lip, pressing his lips around it while sliding a finger under her right chin. For a split second she was back there, willing herself to remember every sensation. She slid her finger under her chin, an exited tingle shot through her stomach. What if Jim hadn't pulled away so quickly but intensified his kisses. What if he'd laid her down on the sofa and moved his hands down. Pam continued tracing her finger down her neck. When she hit the end of her pyjama opening she traced her fingers up again. She did it a few more times until her anticipating body refused to be ignored anymore. She laughed a bit embarrassed as she undid her top and threw it on the floor. She'd never done this with him before. Fantasized and explored the sensation of him. When she was with Roy she'd never done anything like this at all. A few months after she left she'd felt compelled to try, feeling ridicules throughout, but after a few times she'd gotten the hang of it. But she'd never fantasized about Jim. Doing so would have brought up too much pain and would have been pointless. Now however…..now it wouldn't be painful and it definitely wouldn't be pointless. She felt a claim to him now; he was hers to think about, to dream and fantasize about. It was one of the most exiting and thrilling sensations she'd felt in a long long time.

She places herself on her back and closes her eyes. It didn't take her long to bring up his image. Lust and love in his eyes. MY GOD…..how could just the thought of it create such feelings in her? How would she ever live through the actual experience? A ridiculously happy smile emerges on her face as she imagines him there next to her; his hands removing the blanket covering her chest. She begins caressing her upper chest before moving her hand further down. Her fingers swirl across her chest, touching her hard nipples. Her heartbeat quickens and soon her breath follows. Her body is begging for a release of the emotions and tension that have built up over the last days. She moves her hands to caress her full breasts, carefully pinching her nipples. What would Jim's fingers feel like? His big hands exploring her body. His lips on her. A warm feeling started to spread as her mind explored the prospect of having him touch her. She can feel her desire rising. Her mind travels as she continues to lightly touch herself. She imagines his hand trailing down her stomach, one of his fingers running along the waistband of her pyjama bottoms. Her back arches at the thought of him. Her body is becoming damp and anticipating. She slips her hand under the waistline and her pelvis rise in expectancy. She's lost in her own world and on the brink of realise when her phone suddenly interrupts. She looks around her, trying to navigate her way back to rational consciousness. Her hand hits a square and blinking thing on the night table and she flips it open.

- Hello?

Her breathing is heavy and she sits up in the hope that it'll clear her mind and lower her heart rate.

- Hi Pam? It's me, Jim. Is something wrong?

- Oh hi! No, why?

- It sounds like you've been running or something.

- Oh…

She could feel herself go red from head to toe. She'd never been more grateful for the dark cover of night and the distance between them. She moves her phone away from her head and takes a couple of deep breaths. A little more composed she can hear the worried tone in his voice as he says.

- Pam? Pam, are you still there?

- Yeah Jim. I'm still here. No nothing's wrong and I haven't been running. I think I've had a ….a…..bad dream or something.

- Oh….sorry about that. So sorry I woke you. I just couldn't sleep and I thought that maybe….

- That I couldn't sleep either?

- Yeah. But I guess you could, so I'm just so sorry I woke you.

- Hehe…..stop apologizing Halpert. If there's anyone I'd want waking me up in the middle of a bad dream then it's you. So what's up? Do you want me to send over some warm milk with honey?

- Hehe…..no no, just go back to sleep. I'll be alright.

- No really Jim, what's wrong?

- Oh, nothing really. It's just that I forgot…..

- Did you forget something here? I can bring it to work tomorrow. Just let me know where to look for it.

- No, nothing like that. I just forgot to say thanks before I left and I thought I should.

- Okay. Thanks for what exactly.

- For being so patient and hearing me out on the whole Karen situation. You were right. It helped to talk about it. I don't know….you were just so great about it all. So thank you for that.

- Oh…you're welcome. I'm glad it helped.

- It did, it really did.

- Jim.

- Yeah.

- You know you can talk to me about anything right?

- Hmmm…..I do.

- So will you be able to sleep now?

- Yeah…I think I will. Thank you Pam.

- Anytime. Try to get some sleep and we'll talk in the morning.

- Yeah. Good night Pam.

- Good night Jim.

'''

Reviews are what keep me writing ;)


	7. Chapter 7

The rain was pouring as Pam left her apartment the next morning. The wipers on her car ran frantically back and forth. Traffic was slow in the heavy rain. She only had a fifteen minute drive to the office, but today the way seemed endless. Her stereo was playing and she hummed along to the music. After Jim's call she'd fallen asleep quickly, his voice having had a soothing effect on her. She had to laugh at his timing. She wished she had been bold enough to tease him for interrupting her. She shook her head at her own giddiness. Something had happened since Jim returned. Her state of mind was so light and happy, her body full of energy. It almost overflowed.

When the elevator doors opened she could see Jim standing outside. His hair a bit more tussled already.

- Hey there. Do you miss me so much you have to wait for me here?

- That's right. Hi Pam. How are you?

- I'm just dandy. How are you? Did you get a good night's sleep?

- Yeah, slept like a baby.

- Good. Because I can't keep getting up in the middle of the night to warm up milk for you.

- You didn't warm up any milk.

- In spirit I did.

- Hehe….yeah, in spirit you definitely did. Thanks for that.

- You're welcome.

She looked at him; he seemed to want to say something.

- So??? Are we gonna stand here all day, or should we go in and pretend to work?

- Ehh…..we should go in, but just not yet.

- Ohh…okay. Is something wrong?

- I don't know.

- What is it Jim?

He looked at her. His eyes were serious and searching. She moved a bit closer to him. He opened his mouth to speak.

- Ehh….Karen's gone.

- What do you mean - gone?

- I mean, she's left. Her desk is empty. I don't think she is coming back.

- Ohh.

- Not that it makes a difference. I don't know.

- Yeah….so..uhh….how do you feel about it?

- This is really awful, but I think I feel a bit relieved. Like now, I can talk to you without having her look at me, at us. I don't know, it's really selfish…but a little part of me is glad.

- Yeah….suppose I can see that.

- It feels really wrong to be glad right now.

- I understand.

Michael was in a bad mood and spent most of the morning with his door closed. His absence allowed effective work hours for his employees. Pam glanced over at Jim every now and then. She noticed how her co-workers seemed to pay more attention to him today. She figured the gossip train was stopping at every work station in the office. No one could overlook the fact that Karen's desk was empty.

Jim's posture was stiff, not relaxed like it had been before Karen returned. The glances bothered him. She knew what Jim was going through. It was awful to let someone else down; to break another person's heart. The shame of having an entire office gossip about it was just as awful. She thought about the first few days after she'd called of her wedding, how her guilt was as heavy as her relief. People had been faking concern, but were really only pestering her for the details. Her mind drifted to Roy. She'd made the right decision, but every now and then she wondered how Roy was. After that whole dreadful incident with him and Jim they'd both known it was over. Roy seemed to finally be at peace with it. Her conscience had grown a bit lighter over the year, but she couldn't escape from the fact that she had been dancing around Jim in a non platonic way for far longer than she cared to admit. Looking back she knew it started early, maybe even some time during his first year there. It hadn't been right, she knew that. Roy wasn't perfect, but he hadn't deserved her unfaithfulness. He hadn't deserved her confiding in another man instead of him. She'd known quite early on that Jim felt more for her than just friendship, but it wasn't until about a year or so before he left that she suspected it was more than a crush. She'd known this, but continued to seek out his comfort and support. Her hands weren't clean. When it all came down to it, Jim had been right in confronting her. But she still felt a tiny bit resentful that he'd left the way he did. He abandoned her when she needed him the most. She looked over at him, occupied with something on his computer screen, and thought about how they hadn't really talked about THEM yet. As great as the past few days had been she couldn't help but feel the weight of the past on her shoulders. Jim's eyes were no longer on his screen and his expression had changed a bit. If she didn't know better she'd describe it as worried. She tried to get him to look over at her, but he seemed lost in his own world. Too happy to be overly concerned she returned her focus to her minesweeper. She could talk to him later. Lunch wasn't that far away.

Lunch had come and gone. The special little moments she used to cherish with Jim seemed utterly too short. The office had been the link between them, the place where they got to spend time together. Their moments had always felt few, even fewer since he got back from Stamford, but she'd always loved the chance to have him to herself, even if it was only for a minute. Today, the office was an obstacle and their brief encounters acted more as a source of frustration than anything else. She wanted to be free to approach him whenever she wanted, to touch him, to look at him. She couldn't wait for them to leave this place behind. She hadn't gotten a chance to really talk to him; they'd always been surrounded by one or more of their co-workers. Everyone wanted to share their own theory on why Karen had left. Pam could see Jim's frustration growing, but he just bowed his head and let them talk. As much as she loved his capacity to never lose patience, she wished he could have told them to mind their own business this time. She clicked on the Instant Messenger.

Pam: How's it going over there?

She could see his face light up as he got her incoming message. She loved to see his face change like that, from bored to happy in an instant.

Jim: Oh you know…..my skin's getting burn holes from people's constant staring.

Pam: Sorry about that. I'll stop ;)

Jim: Hehe….my mistake. I wasn't referring to you, you can stare all you want. I actually prefer it if you took ten minutes of every hour just to check me out.

Pam: Ten minutes huh? Sure that'll cover it?

Jim: No, but you can save the rest for later.

Pam: Speaking of later, do you want to go somewhere and eat later?

Jim: Love to. But I'm insisting we go on a fancy date tonight.

Pam: And what have we been going on so far?

Jim: Pam….Dinner before six o'clock and pizza on your couch doesn't qualify under the Halpert law of fancy dates.

Pam: Hehe…..how about Coopers then? Does it qualify?

Pam could see that Jim's expression changed. It was a subtle change, probably only detectable to her, but it was there. She raised her eyebrows to question what was wrong, but he didn't look in her direction. He just kept staring at his screen.

- PAM…PAM….PAM

Michael emerged shouting from his office. Her attention was diverted from Jim to her boss.

- Yes Michael. I'm right here.

- Pam. It's a travesty. How could Karen just leave like that, she had three sales calls today and now….now I've been forced to deal with her over the phone. It's just not right. I mean, sure she was never really part of our real family, but she was a good step person. No – more like a hot exotic adopted sister or something and…ohh…I just can't deal with all of this today. Jan wants me to pick up wallpaper samples and go to the grocery store and be home by five…and I just don't…

Michael sat down on the couch resting his head in his hands, shaking it slowly back and forth. Pam looked over at Jim, his eyes still glued to the screen. She could see he wasn't really concentrating on work. Usually this would be the type of situation where Jim would calm Michael down by offering to take one of those calls, but he didn't. He just kept looking straight forward. Pam sighed and pushed back her chair and headed for Michael on the couch.

- I'm sure it'll be okay Michael. Just have one of the others help you. What about Dwight? She looked up to motion a gesture to Dwight, but he wasn't there.

Michael looked up. His bottom lip was protruding. He looked like a petulant child. Her co-workers suddenly looked very busy as his eyes swept the office. A few moments later they rested on Jim.

- Jim.

Jim was still not looking at them, but at least he reacted.

- Yeah Michael.

- Could you help me out? Go on one of Karen's sales calls?

Pam could see Jim's whole demeanour changing. He was reluctant to do this, but she'd never known Jim to refuse to answer a request, not even from Michael. Jim was usually the one who came up with a clever response that threw Michael of the scent. Jim's responses often made Michael forget what he requested in the first place. She was therefore very surprised when he answered in an annoyed voice.

- I'd really rather not Michael. I've got a lot to do myself.

He hadn't looked over at them once, and Pam was baffled at his behaviour. This wasn't at all like Jim. He'd shifted his focus from his computer to some papers on his desk, his head down. Just before Michael started another rant Dwight appeared from the kitchen.

- Ah…Dwight…compadre….can you do me a little favour?

- Of course. What do you want?

- I need you to go on a sales call for me.

- You don't have any sales calls today.

- No, but Karen left and she had some.

Dwight looked at Michael, then at Pam, and then down at Jim.

- Why can't Jim go? He's the one who dumped her.

Pam imagined she saw Jim's new short neck hair rise. The tension was palpable. The others didn't look quite so busy any more; their heads moving up, listening attentively to the conversation. She wanted to say something, do something to save Jim from this whole embarrassment, but she was momentarily speechless. She could see Jim finally lifting his head, turning in her direction. He met her eyes for a couple of seconds before he looked up at Dwight.

- No.

His voice was steady and more assertive than she thought she'd ever heard it. She could feel the goosebumps under her thin shirt. Jim continued to hold Dwight's eyes. Pam wasn't sure whether she was fascinated or troubled by the staring match in front of her. Would Jim cave, would Dwight?

- You're such a looser.

Dwight caved and turned to Michael.

- Okey then. I will do it. Seeing Jim is too busy to clean up after himself.

- Fantastic Dwight. You are a very trustworthy employee my friend. Just call Karen to get the details.

Pam quitted Michael and returned to her desk. A feeling she couldn't quite place stirred in her stomach.

Two hours later they'd barely spoken. Jim was on the phone to customers most of the time. Before….before Jim's confession-before Stamford-before Karen, he'd made time to visit her. Today he hadn't. She suspected it was the whispers of their co-workers that kept him away. There was no need to fuel their gossip train.  
She wanted to IM him again, but she didn't know how to phrase the opening. Her mind drifted to their date. He would be fine just as soon as she got him out of there. It had to be the pressure of the situation that got to him. It was only logical. As the clock approached the end of their work-day she began to ready herself for departure. She could see Jim doing the same. Aware that they probably shouldn't leave together she clicked on her Instant Messenger.

Pam: I was thinking of leaving now. When do you want to pick me up later? And are we going to Coopers?

Jim: Hey there…. Are you really going to abandon me here?

Pam: Hehe…I thought it might be best if we didn't leave together.

Jim: Yeah…you're right. How about I pick you up at seven?

Pam: Sounds perfect.

Jim: Great, seven it is.

Pam: And where are we going???

Jim: That's a surprise.

Pam: Not going to give me any hints?

Jim: Nope. Just dress fancy.

Pam: How fancy?

Jim: Oh….a ball gown should do it.

Pam: You're kidding right?

Jim: That's for me to know and for you to find out ;-)

Pam: You're impossible.

Jim: Hey…that's no way to speak to the man who wants to take you out on your best date ever.

Pam: JIM!

Jim: Yes, Pam.

Pam: Seriously. What should I wear?

Jim: I've already told you.

Pam: okay…..Jim. I'm not kidding. Please be serious for just one moment.

Jim: Hehehe…..impossible.

Pam: Sometimes you're just plain annoying Halpert.

Jim: Hehehe…sorry. Okay, okay. We're going somewhere nice, but if your dead set against the ball gown I'm not going to insist on it.

Pam: Good. I don't think I own a ball gown.

Jim: You don't own a ball gown? You know gowns are the standard dress code in castles?

Pam: Hehe…where did you learn that?

Jim: I read it in last months issue of Castle Living. You should order a subscription.

Pam: I'll look into it.

Jim: Seriously though, you'll look amazing no matter what. Just wear that amazing smile of yours and I'll be happy.

Pam: :)

Jim: There it is. Love it.

Jim: So, see you later then.

Pam: Yeah, see you later.

Jim: Bye

Pam: Bye Jim.

***********************************

Two hours later she was standing in front of the mirror, trying to decide if she should put her hair up or keep the loose curls. She was unsure about her clothes and make up. She'd spent most of the time at home in her bathroom, applying make up three times before she was satisfied. Now the pink shimmer highlighted her cheek bones instead of making her look like a clown. The dark blue eye-liner framed her eyes and the soft pink lip-gloss made her mouth shine. She still wasn't sure if it was too much or not enough.  
She'd tried on five different outfits before deciding on a purple shirt overlain with black beadings. It looked expensive without actually being so. Her top was a black satin blouse that was loose fitting, but with a deep neckline. She wasn't sure about the top either. It was one of the blouses Kelly had talked her into buying, that she'd never worn outside her apartment. She looked at herself in the mirror and felt different, but beautiful. Her hair had cooperated and was now straightened except some loose big curls at the ends. As she debated whether to put it up or take it down, the doorbell rang. Down it is then. She sprinted towards the door and flung it open. As they laid eyes on each other they both stopped short and just starred. He was wearing a dark grey suit that seemed tailor made for his tall frame. His hair was still short, but just as tussled as it had been at the office. She couldn't believe she was going on a date with this guy, this handsome guy that looked down on her with eyes that showed admiration and love. At that moment she felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

- WOW  
- WOW

She looked at him and they both started laughing. Their WOW's had come out more or less simultaneously. " Wow" Jim said again and took her in from head to toe. His approval made her cheeks warm and she prayed she wouldn't start blushing. Tonight she wanted to be cool and sophisticated and everything he deserved. His eyes were beaming and his smile revealed his every emotion.

- You look…wow.

- Hehe….you've already said that. Thank you.

- Hehe….well, I think I've momentarily lost my vocabulary. You look amazing Pam.

- So do you.

They stood staring at each other for a moment before Jim said.

- Are you ready?

- Yes.

On their way to wherever it was they were going she realised she hadn't thought much about their destination, so when Jim turned his car into the Radisson parking lot she looked at him with questioning eyes. He just smiled at her, refusing to disclose his agenda. Somehow it continued into a silent staring contest. She was jokingly pleading with her eyes to get him to explain, while he was trying to hide his cleverness behind knowing eyes and a content smile. They walked in silence towards the hotel. The sky still gray, but it had stopped raining. Pam made sure to avoid the biggest puddles as she held on to Jim's arm. She could feel her anticipation rising.

*****************************************

A few minutes later she sat down with a silly smile on her face. Jim had held open doors, pulled out her chair, and given her a big bouquet of fresh flowers as they entered the private dinning room he'd arranged for them. The room was intimate, but the big windows made it appear rather large. The walls were bright yellow and gold and covered with pictures of the Tuscan countryside. Their table was set with flower-patterned china and crystal glasses that sparkled in the reflection of the candles. She had never dreamt of dates like this one, but tonight she felt like a princess. She couldn't help but wonder how every moment with Jim kept topping the previous one. This was almost too much.

- So do you like it?

Jim sat down and looked at her with a pleased and curious smile. Pam felt a lump in her throat. She couldn't believe how pure happiness could actually hurt a little. She tried to tear her eyes from the gorgeous surrounding. How could she begin to express what she felt? For so long all she had wanted to do was to just be with Jim, to have the pleasure of his company. She hadn't really thought about dating Jim, how it would be a whole different ball-game than the ice-hockey games and pub-dates she'd have with Roy. This room, these flowers, and this man – it all changed the perception of who she thought she could be. In Jim's eyes, this was what she deserved.

- I….I….there are no words.

She struggled to find her voice. Jim looked at her with a huge smile and leaned over to take her hand.

- Hehe…pjuh….I'm glad.

She looked at him, awe and admiration all over her face.

- I….just don't know what to say.

- You don't have to say anything.

- Oh yes, I do.

- Hehe…okay.

- This is oh so beautiful Jim. Most fancy date ever, definitely. When did you arrange for all this?

- Earlier today.

- They could do all this so fast?

- Looks like it. I'm so glad you liked it. I was afraid it might be too much.

- Too much? Maybe, but it's too much in a good way.

- Hehe…is that even possible?

- I mean. You didn't have to do all this…just for me.

- Just for you. Are you kidding? You deserve this and so much more. I'd taken you do dinner in Paris if I had the time and money to do so.

- Hehe…..wow. You were not kidding when you said you were romantic.

- Hehe….no.

- This is fantastic Jim. Thank you.

- You are more than welcome.

They ate a lovely dinner and drank wine. The conversation flowed easily. Jim was relaxed and seemed proud that he'd created the perfect evening for her. They exchanged warm glances and ate slowly while talking about everyday stuff. She couldn't help but notice the distinct difference between the Jim across the table and office-Jim. Earlier today he'd tried to hide how uncomfortable he was, but she had known. He probably knew she knew. She looked around at her beautiful surroundings and tried to fight the urge to bring up what had happened earlier. There really was no need to bring in Karen right now, in this perfect room, over this perfect dinner, but she couldn't help it. She wanted to know what Jim was thinking.

- So work was crazy?

She could see how his demeanour changed. He looked to the door as to will the waiter to interrupt them. The door remained closed and he turned his face towards her.

- Yeah, I guess so.

- I'd say. Michael was even more intense than he usually is. For once I was grateful that Dwight is unable to turn down an opportunity to help him.

- Yeah. I owe him one.

Jim's voice was low and robbed of lightness and humour. This was the same Jim she'd seen at the office, and although her instinct told her not to push the matter, she desperately wanted him to open up to her.

- Are you okay Jim?

He looked at her, trying to pretend she had surprised him with her question.

- Yup, absolutely.

- Are you sure?

She fixed her eyes on his face, willing him to be honest with her. He tried to hold on to a content façade, but his roaming eyes gave him away. She leaned forward a little and took hold of his hand; gently stroking it like she'd done in the stairwell. Eventually he looked at her.

- I want to be. I mean, I am.

- Listen Jim, it is okay to have bad feelings about what happened today. You just broke up with someone.

- Yeah, I know. But this, being with you, finally, it's so amazing and I don't want anything to ruin that.

- It won't. I promise.

- But it's not fair to you. I mean...all this stuff going on with Karen.

- Don't worry about it.

The moment Jim had started to talk about her, she regretted the topic. She suddenly realised she didn't want to hear anymore about the beautiful brunette. Jim was right, this wasn't really fair. It wasn't fair that he had left and it wasn't fair that he'd come back with her. It wasn't fair that she was a cloud on their blue sky. She let go of his hand and took a sip of her wine.

In the car on their way home the conversation had shifted back to carefree and fun, but the magic they'd both felt earlier was gone. Pam had shed the imaginary princess tiara back at the private dining room. Life wasn't a fantasy. Pam looked over at him and thought about how familiar he'd become already. He was hers. Sitting there in his car, it felt like the most natural and obvious thing in the world. He was hers. Things needed to be addressed and it wasn't a perfect situation, but it would get better. He was hers.

They had agreed to stop for ice cream on their way back. Jim had insisted on a place he drove past everyday on his way to work. He promised her they had the best ice cream he'd ever tasted. Pam had argued that it wasn't really ice cream weather, but curiosity had made her agree to have some. She wondered what Jim's idea of perfect ice-cream was. As they climbed out of the car Pam noticed that the pavement was finally dry. Above them a few prying stars snuck a peek through the ever changing clouds. Jim came round the car and took her arm. Well inside she decided on strawberry and vanilla, and Jim wanted chocolate and vanilla. The counter was full of exiting flavours and they both gave each other a knowing smile as they picked what others would have considered the most boring choice. Walking out in the crisp evening air they found two dry chairs and a table.

- Mmmmm….this is really good. How come I've never known about this place?

Pam looked at Jim quizzically.

- I didn't know about it either, until I moved back.

- Oh…

- I've always lived on the other side of town, and I've never driven past this place before.

- So where do you live now?

- Just around the corner, down there.

Jim pointed and Pam knew she needed to see his place. She'd never been there. Once she'd been at his old condo, the one he shared with Mark, but that felt like a lifetime ago. He lived alone now, that much she knew.

- Can I see it?

- Sure. Maybe we can do a movie at my place tomorrow.

- No. I mean now.

- Now? You sure? It's getting late?

- Yeah. Just for a little while.

His apartment complex looked rather new. Fresh flowers and new door signs on every floor. Jim lived on the third. There was an elevator, but Pam wanted to walk. His hallway was a bit messy. She removed her shoes and walked in. His living room wasn't that much bigger than hers, but his kitchen was relatively large. The whole apartment was light and the many windows made it appear spacious.

- So what's the verdict?

Jim stood watching her with a curious smile.

- It's really nice. I like it.

- You want a cup of coffee or tea?

- Yeah, sure. Tea would be nice.

She walked over to his book-shelf. Some old classics. They had writings in them. Looked like college material. She glanced around the room. There were few things on his walls. Then her eyes caught something familiar. There on the wall, above some IKEA shelves, was her painting. A light grey wood material framed her sensitive colours.

Jim returned from the kitchen with her tea.

- Careful. It's hot.

- Thank you.

- I had it framed.

- I can see that. It's the perfect frame for that picture.

- Yeah. I can't take the credit though, but I asked and the guy at the framing-place showed me this frame. I wasn't sure at first, but now I see how right it was.

- Yeah. It's beautiful. Just the right colour. When did you do this?

- I dropped it off this morning and picked it up on my way home.

- It's lovely.

- Yeah. It is.

They both stood staring at the picture for a couple of minutes, sipping their tea. Pam had felt strangely excluded by the fact that she hadn't been in his apartment until now, but it helped to see her paining there. She would still be there when she left. She put down her tea on the table and took Jim's and did the same. He looked at her. Anticipating. She put a hand on his cheek and leaned in to kiss him, while whispering.

- It's perfect.

He didn't answer. Her lips on his. She could feel him having to catch his balance. She'd always dreamt of having this kind of impact on him, but dreams never did compare to reality. His kisses were warm, but she could feel a tiny bit of hesitation in them. She opened her eyes and took a tiny step backwards. He searched her face. Then, just at the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of something; something small and shiny. Another grey frame, but smaller. It wasn't standing, but lying down on the shelf beneath her painting. She could make out the outline of a dark-haired woman in a summer dress. A jealously she hadn't known before started to race through her body. Who was she fooling? Karen wasn't gone, she hadn't replaced her. Karen was right there, staring back at her. She looked soft and gentle in her black and white dress. This was the Karen only Jim had been privileged to see. She had been there. She was a picture in a frame. She was part of Jim, part of his history. She knew things about him she wasn't privy to yet. She took another few steps backwards.

- It's getting late. Maybe you could take me home Jim?

- Ehh…yeah, sure. Of course.

- I just….

She wanted to confront him about the picture, but she didn't know if she had the right to do so.

- What's wrong Pam?

It was impossible to hide from him. He knew her too well. His eyes were searching hers, looking for answers.

- Nothing Jim. Nothing is wrong. It's just late.

He looked at her. She could see he was struggling on whether to trust her or not. She forced herself to hold his eyes and give him a smile. But it didn't reach her eyes. She could feel it. He saw it.

- Come on Pam. Please tell me.

She broke his stare and turned around. She took a few more steps and found herself looking out over the street.

- It's nothing. Don't worry about it.

- It's me Pam. I happen to know you, remember?

He kept using her name and it started to get to her. It was personal. Jim didn't call her by her first name that often. She could hear him taking a few small steps toward her.

- And stop saying that I shouldn't worry about it. It only makes me certain there's something to worry about.

She turned around abruptly, surprising Jim who looked at her with a worried face. Before she could stop herself she said.

- I have no right.

- What do you mean? You have no right to what?

- To be….angry.

He took a few steps forward as if he wanted to provoke her to continue.

- You're angry?

She didn't answer, only nodded. He raised his eyebrows and did that thing with his mouth to indicate that he had no idea what was going on. She knew there was no way back now. She had to tell him. Tell him that hearing about Karen, knowing about Karen, sensing the presence of her everywhere started to take its toil on her.

- Did I do something? Talk to me Pam.

- No, you didn't do anything. It's not your fault. It's probably just me.

- Tell me.

- Karen is here.

He turned around to see if someone had entered. When he saw no one his eyes returned to Pam. His expression was riddled with insecurity and doubt as he explored her face.

- No she isn't.

His voice was firm but indecisive. Like he wasn't sure if he should press the matter since Pam sounded so determined.

- Do you remember your trip to the beach Jim?

- The trip to the beach? You mean the one last week?

- Yes. Do you remember?

- Of course I remember. How could I have forgotten it? I mean..what you said...

- I don't mean what I said. Do you remember Karen and you?

- Ehh…what do you mean? What is all this about Pam? I'm not with Karen anymore, and you shouldn't worry about her. It's over. She's out of my life, out of our life.

He went over to her and put his arms around her. She wanted so badly to let herself escape into his warm embrace, but somewhere inside a little part of her was screaming. She put one of her hands on his chest and pushed him away. He took a step back.

- She isn't out of our lives. She is everywhere.

- What do you mean?

- Why didn't you want to go to Coopers?

There could have been a million ways to answer that question without dragging Karen into it, but it took only a millisecond for the truth to register on Jim's face. IT was the picture. Karen's soft smile had made it all crystal clear. Pam cursed herself for walking around in a cloud of happiness, jumping ahead, diving head in, allowing herself to feel everything she had bottled up for a year, falling even harder, trusting her heart with a man that up until a week ago was running away from her with the speed of lightening. She was so stupid. Jim wasn't back; couldn't possibly be all the way back already. She'd felt it all along, this part of him that wasn't ready to test the waters, wasn't ready to trust her. Was the photo of Karen a reminder of his escape route?

- Ehh…..what do you mean? I'd already made plans for us at the Radisson. Would you rather have gone to Coopers?

- You went there with her.

She hadn't phrased it as a question. IT was a statement, a matter of fact, an answer to her own non-question. He didn't answer at first, but his face gave him away. Guilty. The whole dinner at the Carmen restaurant at the hotel seemed too nice, too extravagant, too out of context considering the day they'd just had at the office. But she had bought it all, lulled herself into a fairytale of happily ever after; into the belief that they could escape history as soon as they were out of their workspace.

- Yes.

His response was just a breath, barely audible. His shoulders sank and he looked like someone who was just caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

- When?

- On our third date.

The silence that followed Jim's confession left Pam wondering if any of them would ever speak again.


	8. Chapter 8

Several minutes went by, none of them spoke. The silence harder to cut through than a brick wall. As the minutes crept by she was reminded of something her mother once told her as a child. Pam had been upset over some girls at school who had asked her why she never spoke in class. Was she a mute? Her mother had taken her in her arms and stroked her hair, and instead of insisting that Pam should raise her hand more often she had looked her in the eyes and said that sometimes it was okay to be silent, that silence was golden.

She had loved that expression, how saying nothing could be golden.

Whenever someone teased her about her shy nature she always used to defend herself with that saying. Over the years it had become a part of who she was. She took pride in her silence. But she didn't like their silence. It said too much. It spoke volumes. It spoke of things she didn't want to hear, things she had pushed out of her consciousness.

Every now and then Jim took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He walked back and forth a few times, looking at her, then looking out the window, then looking at everything and nothing. She hated seeing him so conflicted, so trapped in a past and a persona he couldn't escape. She had noticed the change shortly after he came back. He wasn't the open and loyal friend anymore. She had expected it to be weird at first, awkward even, but she had never imagined that the Jim she had known would never be coming back. She saw how he would be unhappy during the hours at work and it had baffled her that he kept ignoring it. Months had gone by before she understood that the change in him was permanent. How could she have fooled herself into believing that everything would be the same as soon as he was back?

Her knees were weak as she walked over to the sofa. Her finger brushed against Jim's hand on her way over. She hadn't meant for it to touch him, but her walk was unsteady and her arm had sought his. He lifted his arm a little, as if to stop her, but he remained almost still. She would wait. She would wait until he spoke. The clock on his DVD-player told her it was just passed eleven. It was dark outside, but the sky had finally cleared up and she could see stars and a heavy moon. It was quiet. She could hear her own breath. From time to time she held it and then it became almost uncomfortably silent.

When she thought she couldn't take it anymore, he spoke.

- I can't change the past.

She wasn't sure what he meant by that. What specific part of the past was he talking about?  
It sounded heartfelt and sad, but there was a tinge of accusation in there somewhere. Did he think she expected that?

- I know that Jim. That's not what I'm asking here. It's….just…..I don't know. Time I guess. Maybe we should take some breathing space. A lot of things have happened in your life the past week.

- I know there are a lot of things that need to be resolved. But….

His face turned from confused to decisive as he walked over to her. He sat down next to her and looked at her.

- I don't want us to lose even more time Pam. I want to be with you.

- I want to be with you too. Believe me. I have wanted that for a long time. I just….I don't know. I want you to take the time you need to work through things.

- What do you mean?

- Karen.

- Ohh… I think I'm actually fine with all that. There aren't too many things to work through.

- Come on Jim. I know you might feel that at times, how it's all over and done with, but it isn't. It couldn't possibly be in just a week.

- Really Pam. I don't regret breaking up with her; it never would have worked out. It's all fine.

- Listen Jim. I'm not saying that it was the wrong decision, not at all. I'm just saying, and I know this from experience, that it takes some time to work through and be okay with some of the feelings you must be experiencing at the moment.

- Ohh…okay, yeah. No..I guess you're right. So what you're saying is that I need to slow down a bit?

- Not just you Jim. Not just you.

- What do you mean?

- I need to slow down too. I mean, I've been waiting for this for so long. I don't have any strong ties to anyone else anymore. I guess I'm more ready than you; which has caused me to speed along without actually thinking about all the stuff that's been going on in your life.

- Ohh…right. Yeah I guess I understand what you mean.

They weren't touching. Her hands were in her lap. Another silence took them, but this one felt a thousand times more comfortable.

- So do you want me to take you home?

Jim broke the silence again. The last thing she really wanted was to leave, but she thought it might be smart so she nodded. Her eyes caught a glimpse of Karen again as she stood up and the irrational feeling she had felt earlier came back in full force. She didn't know why but she couldn't make herself walk to the door. She stood frozen by the corner of the table. Jim, who had carried their tea cups into the kitchen came back and lifted his eyebrows when he saw her. She didn't mimic back, she just continued standing there. There was something about that picture, something about the beach. She couldn't get rid of this feeling of insane jealousy. Rationally she knew there was no need for jealousy, but she couldn't escape it. She had an almost perverted desire to get inside the relationship between Karen and Jim.

- Pam…

From the distance she could hear Jim's voice. It sounded worried again.

- Pam…are you ready to go?

She looked at him. His eyes were beginning to flicker, afraid of what they might read in hers. She realised she kept unsetling him, but she couldn't help it.

- No Jim. I'm not ready to go.

- Oh….okay. That's….no, that's fine.

- I mean…of course, yeah, sure…let's go.

She could see that Jim wasn't buying her change of heart because he walked over to her and sat her down in the sofa again. He took her hands and looked her in the face.

- Is this…are you regretting this?

- What do you mean?

- What you told me at the beach? That I asked you out? Do you regret it?

He looked at her with an almost pleading expression. She couldn't believe it. He was afraid she regretted it. Didn't he know that this was everything she had wanted for so long. That he was everything she wanted. That she wanted it so desperately that it scared her senseless to think that he might not want her after all. She could feel a lump starting to grow in her throat but she refused to cry. She swallowed and leaned in closer to him.

- Not a second of it. Do you?

- Not at all Pam. Not at all.

She felt a tiny bit of her jealousy let go, but she still couldn't shake the feeling that the Jim who sat next to her was someone else, someone different than the Jim who told her he loved her. She couldn't put her finger on it. It was something about the beach.


	9. Chapter 9

She was staring at the ceiling. Her bed had suddenly begun to feel too big for her. She felt both happy and melancholic. An hour ago Jim had kissed her good night, lingering -unwilling to let her go. He had given her a short speech on how everything would be okay. "No need to worry Beesly". His voice had helped reassure her. She admired his ability to be so positive all the time. She admired his ability to trust so blindly in the universe, to trust in them. It made it easier for her to trust it too.

She lost faith sometimes. During the last six months she had lost faith several times, thinking Jim was happy in his new relationship. She thought about how unbelievably happy she was that they were together at last, how it elevated her into a realm of existence she had never known before. She knew Jim was right. Being together felt right, the pure happiness should be proof enough. She trusted that happiness, she did, but there were undercurrents of something darker, more difficult. It was threatening to drag her down from the sky she was floating on. She hit the switch on her night lamp and patted her pillow, making it as comfortable as possible. She needed a quiet night of rest. Gradually her thoughts intermixed with sleep.

_She dreamt of light kisses, of tender caresses, his eyes on her. It felt right. It felt safe. It felt like there was a meaning to the universe, that them being together was part of a grander plan. She felt at peace, like she fitted into the world in a new way. She felt his hand on her back and everything that was painful simply melted away. Ever so slowly she could feel the pressure of his hand fading…_

_She was alone again. His kisses, his hands, his eyes, they were all gone. In the faraway distance something caught her eye. It was the contour of a woman; a woman in a summer dress, with dark long hair. She was heading for her. She couldn't see a face but she sensed who it was. She felt the burn of hot coal under her feet. She looked around but she couldn't see a fire or glowing coal. She noticed she was on a beach. The woman was coming toward her, kicking up swirls of sand as she came running closer and closer. Her dark complexion was glowing in the sun. The ray of sun made her hair blend with the sparkling surface of the lake. As she came closer she could see Karen's beautiful features. A mere five feet away she lifted from the sand and almost danced around Pam in a circle. She was smiling, no - she was grinning. She lifted a finger and pointed to Pam before letting out a small snort and a sarcastic uttering. _

- _Don't you know it's all a dream Pam?_

- _What do you mean?_

- _It's a fantasy Pam. You're living in a fantasy._

- _Leave me alone._

_Karen didn't respond, she just kept dancing around her, a smug grin on her face. Pam tried to walk away, but Karen followed her, hovering just inches in front of her. She tried to push her away, but her hands went straight through her. Karen kept dancing, kept grinning. Pam started to run, and for a moment she thought she had outrun her. She turned around only to find Karen standing by the water side just ten feet away. Her grin was gone. It was replaced by a sympathetic look. She shook her head._

- _Don't you know Pam? He'll never trust you. You broke his heart. You can't get through to it. I know. I tried. _

- _ We belong together._

_- Keep thinking that. You'll see. You'll see soon enough._

- _You don't know what you're talking about. Leave me alone. _

- _You're living in a fantasy Pam._

_With that Karen's image disappeared into the water. An egg was washing in from the spot where she vanished._

Pam woke. Her blanket was kicked off. Her breathing was heavy and she could feel her hammering heart. It was still dark. She lifted her clock-radio. It was 1.30. She shook her head, trying to get rid of Karen's voice. She had never dreamt of her like that. Pam wasn't much of a dreamer and it was surprising how real this dream had felt. She stood up and walked to the kitchen. A warm cup of tea her only remedy for nightmares. As she waited for the water to boil she caught a glimpse of herself in the window. Her curls unruly, her eyes tired. She felt ridicules for feeling so shaken up by a stupid dream.

She sat by the kitchen table, sipping her drink slowly, while trying not to think of it. Half way through her cup she got an idea. She rose quickly and walked over to her fridge. Cheese, ham, tomatoes, lettuce, butter, strawberry jam, cucumbers, baby-carrots, four mixed berry yoghurts and a bottle of orange juice. It wasn't much but it was a start. She started raiding her kitchen for food-containers; she knew her mother had left a bunch of Tupperware boxes when she first moved in. Where did she put them?

A few minutes later she found them at the bottom of a large drawer, a drawer she realised she had never opened since moving in. She put the cheese and ham in one, tomatoes, lettuce and cucumbers in another one, the carrots she arranged neatly in the tiniest box. She decided to leave the orange juice and the jam, before she placed a big chunk of butter in a small cup with a lid on. She found a box of salty biscuits in one of her cabinets and left it on the counter. After she was done she placed all the boxes back in the fridge, and made a mental note of the things she would have to stop by the market to buy. She went to bed and fell into a dreamless sleep almost immediately.

The next morning at the office she could barely wait for Jim to turn his computer on. He had given her a huge smile as he walked in, touching her fingers briefly as he stroked his hand across her desk.

Pam: You're not doing anything later are you?

Jim: Well that depends….

Pam: Elaborate please.

Jim: Well….I don't have any plans per se, but that might change.

Pam: Well…here's a plan. You spend the evening with me.

Jim: Okay, sounds good. What do you want to do?

Pam: That's for me to know and for you to find out.

Jim: Ahh…..getting a little dose of my own medicine. I'm intrigued.

Pam: Hehe…..well, good.

Jim: That's all you're gonna give me huh?

Pam: Yup.

Jim: Okay.

Pam: Speak to you later.

Jim: Yeah.

Eight hours later, after relentless efforts by Jim to disclose her plans and a crisis involving Stanley's crossword puzzle and Andy's coffee, the day was coming to an end. It had been a slow day, several of her co-workers spent more time arranging vacation plans than selling paper. Phyllis had wanted to know if Pam had been to Europe, because Bob Vance had talked about taking her there this summer, and she just couldn't decided if she wanted to go to London or Paris, Rome or Athens, or Barcelona or Copenhagen. Pam felt a hint of envy at the prospect of visiting any of those cities. She had dreamt of going to Paris and Rome since her first art class in high school. Nine years with Roy had ruined any fantasy of ever going. She looked up at Jim and wondered if they would ever go, and she decided then and there that they would. Somehow they would go.

Pam: I'm heading out now. Meet me at my place at six okay?

Jim: Absolutely, can't wait. Should I bring anything?

Pam: Nah….you don't have to. But it's warm, so a pair of shorts wouldn't hurt.

Jim: A pair of shorts? Really?

Pam: Yeah. Really.

Jim: Ok.

Pam: See you later then. Bye Jim.

Jim: Bye Pam.

When he showed up at exactly six o'clock she was breaking a sweat from running around trying to get everything ready. She'd stopped by the store and picked up a grilled chicken, French bread, more cheese, grapes and strawberries, a few cans of coke and a bottle of white vine. Arranging it all into neat containers she had crammed it into a basket her mother had left. She was fetching two bath towels from the closet when the door bell rang. Together with a blanket and a couple of candles she stuffed the towels into a bag and carried it into the hallway. When she had to catch her breath after opening the door she wasn't sure if it was from the excessive running or from the sight of him. A familiar feeling stirred in her stomach.

- Hey there Beesly. Training for a marathon?

- Hehe…shut it. I've actually been running around trying to get everything ready.

- Ahh….is that so.

Jim popped his head around her and curiously glanced into her apartment. Pam couldn't help but laugh.

- Hey there mister, not so nosy.

- Hehe…what do you expect?

- I expect the same kind of patience I showed yesterday.

- Oh….that was patience?

He looked at her and tilted his head as to consider that possibility. His face was dead serious, but his eyes gave him away, they were full of laughter. She loved how his eyes gave him away. She nudged him and said.

- Yeah.

She had wanted to say something else, but she knew she was about to be betrayed by the bubbles of laughter that emerged somewhere deep in her own throat.

- So Miss Patience, want to clue me in on where we are going?

- Hehe….nah, not yet. But you can carry this to my car.

She handed him the bag, and turned around to lift the basket of food. He looked at the bag and then at her basket, which was covered with a cloth, and gave her a smile.

- This looks promising Pam.

- Hehe….you have no idea. Let's go. We don't want to miss the sunset.

He turned around and walked down the two levels of stairs before he stopped and waited for her.

- Are you sure I can't help you with that.

He mimicked toward the basket in her hand.

- No thank you. Just concentrate on the bag. I'll be just fine.

- Okay. You're the boss.

The basket was a bit heavier than she thought and she struggled not to let him see that. When she walked to her own car he raised his eyebrows and asked.

- You're driving?

- Of course. You don't know where we're going.

- You could tell me.

- Nah…it's my turn anyway.

- Your turn?

- Yeah Jim. My car's been feeling a little neglected lately. Asks me if I prefer your car to him.

- Really? Well we can't have your car thinking you don't care. It's actually nicer than mine.

Their playful tone continued as they put their stuff and themselves into her car.

- No wonder you prefer my car Pam. This car is too small.

Pam burst out laughing looking at Jim trying to manoeuvre his long limbs into her passenger seat.

- Hehehe….there's an adjuster under the seat, you can push it back.

Watching Jim trying to entangle his long legs long enough to get hold of the adjuster struck her as greatly comical. He seemed like a fish on land.

- Hehe….do you need some help?

He waved his hand at her.

- No, no….I got it.

He moved his legs so that they brushed against her hand on the gear stick and her laughter silently died. He was wearing dark green shorts in a heavy material, it covered most of his thighs, but his knees and ankles were bare. She realised she hadn't seen him like this since the basketball game and she swallowed quickly. He had strong legs, undoubtedly acquired through years of basketball training, and she couldn't help but look at them. She felt a surge go through her stomach and she was reminded of the other night and the memory made her cheeks go pink.

- There. Now I think we're okay to go.

- Ehhh….okay. Yeah, let's go.

He looked at her quizzically. He hadn't noticed her sudden change and asked.

- What?

- What what?

- You sounded funny.

- Oh… it's nothing.

- Okay then…where are we going?

- You'll just have to wait and see.

- Hehe….fine.

She put her car in reverse and left her apartment building. She could notice Jim growing more and more curious as they left the city behind. He looked at her with raised eyebrows a few times but she just brushed him off with a knowing smile, much like he had done the evening before. When she finally turned off the road and into the bumpy gravel road that led to Scranton lake a smile erupted at the corner of his mouth.

- Wow. We're going to the beach? Are you planning on doing any swimming?

His tone was surprised and excited. He looked over at her as she parked the car in the shadow of a three.

- I might.

- First a coal walk and then swimming in a freezing cold lake. I'm sensing a pattern here. I'm beginning to suspect that you're a masochist.

- Hehe…stuff it. I won't go in if it's too cold. But I bet it won't be. I saw people bathing the last time we were here.

- Okay, okay….just don't expect me to join you. I'm fairly certain it's too cold.

- Hehe….you're such a wimp.

- Hey…I'm not a wimp; I just prefer to swim when the water is closer to my body temperature.

- Fine. You don't have to go in. Could you grab that blanket and the bag from the back seat?

- Will do.

She locked her car and made her way, basket in hand, over a small opening in the tall yellow weed. Jim was following her closely. There were few people there and most of them sat by the opening next to the car parking.

- Wow, it's nice out here. Quiet and nice.

Jim seemed to say it more to himself than to her, but she turned around and gave him a smile.

- Are we going much further? Are you sure I can't help you with that basket?

- Nah…not that much further, just a little bit, and thanks but I'm fine.

They walked in silence a few minutes before Pam recognized an opening in the tall grass around them. This was it. Behind a bunch of small pine trees she found the little opening next to the water that she had stumbled across the last time they were here. After the hot-dog contest she had taken the opportunity to sneak away for half an hour as Michael arranged for the coal-walk. She had walked aimlessly down the lake, just wanting to get away from it all. The memory made her stomach turn into a knot.

- Wow, this is…WOW.

Jim looked at her and nodded approvingly.

- Yeah. It's nice isn't it?

- I'll say.

It was an opening that stretched only 45-50 feet or so along the lake, but the bank was filled with soft sand and the trees behind them offered a sense of privacy. The ground was a mix of sand and grass and she took the blanket and laid it out. As she pulled snack after snack up from her basket Jim nodded favourably and tried to arrange it as practically as possible on the large blanket.

- This is great Pam. What a brilliant idea. I can't remember the last time I went on a real picnic.

- Thanks. I just hope I've brought enough.

- Don't worry about that. Looks like this could hold us for a couple of days.

- You're obviously not as hungry as me.

She smiled and handed him a glass and a plastic plate. His smile threatened to go around his head as he opened the bottle of vine and filled their glasses. As she took a sip of the vine she looked at him and caught an almost ridiculously happy expression on his face.

- What?

He just continued smiling while slowly shaking his head.

- I'm sorry….it's just. Okay, don't get freaked out or anything…but ehh….before, you know, before I left and all…I would have this fantasy of doing this.

- You fantasised about going on a picnic?

- Yeah…is that weird?

-Yeah. What's wrong with you?

For a second his smile disappeared and she felt guilty for making a joke, but then he caught the glimmer in her eye and he grabbed hold of her and wrestled her down on her back.

- You're mean. Say you're sorry.

- Hehehehe….get off of me. Your crazy…..and weird.

He let out a laugh and pinned her arms down by her side. He leaned in a little closer, his whole upper frame towering somewhere not far above hers. She caught his eyes and their laughter subsided. He didn't move, didn't even seem to breathe. He waited, waited for a signal from her, a signal that would give him the courage to close the gap between their lips. She lifted her head a little and felt his lips enclose hers. She could feel one of his hands in one of hers. He pulled her up to him. His hands found her face, her hair. Her hands found his. Her head was spinning and it definitely wasn't from the wine. They got lost in each other, forgetting where they were and their picnic. She had kissed three guys in her life, but nothing had ever felt like this. It wasn't perfect. Their teeth sometimes clashed, their noses got in the way, but none of it mattered. She wasn't embarrassed or shy or uncomfortable, she was just there meeting him, meeting her. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest, her desire burning in every part of her being. She was surprised at her own forwardness as she guided him down on the blanket. As she was about to shift to move even closer to him she knocked over the bottle and vine started pouring over their blanket and them. Pam reluctantly let go of his lips and turned around to discover what the wetness against her back was.

- Damn.

She reached over and grabbed the bottle, saving the last of the vine. She held up the green bottle and turned to Jim who still hadn't quite caught up with the latest event. His breath was heavy and his lips red and parted.

- See what you made me do.

He looked at her, first completely dumbfounded and then amused before he burst out laughing.

- What I made you do? I think that was all you.

- All me you say….

- Well, maybe not all you…but definitely not just me.

She couldn't be serious anymore and joined him laughing. She stood up, trying to avoid getting even more wet.

- Okay mister. We have to clean this up. There's a towel in that bag, can you grab it.

He sighed, sat up and gave her the towel.


	10. Chapter 10

They had been able to salvage most of the blanket. Pam had shed her wet top and slipped on a cardigan. Jim had looked discretely away when she changed. It had made her smile. As the sun slowly set behind the hillside they ate and talked and laughed. Hours went by and the dark started to encircle them. They cleared away most of the leftovers and settled with a plate of grapes between them. Pam looked over at Jim and then up at the night sky emerging above them.

- It's beautiful isn't it?

Pam loved the night sky, loved how it seemed closer out here, away from the streetlights. She had spent too many lonely nights looking up at the sky. She used to sketch it. Roy had asked her why she bothered with the stars. To him, the idea of the endlessness of the universe created questions he had no interest in exploring. What's the point Pammy? It's only the sky.

- Yeah.

They both lay in silence for a while; nothing but clear sky over their heads.

- So who's your favourite Pam?

- Who is my what?

- Do you have a favourite star?

- Hehe….no I don't think so. Should I?

- I'm disappointed; of course you have to have a favourite. Everyone has a favourite. Seriously Pam…

- Hehehe….okay weirdo.

- Hey….didn't you learn your lesson the first time?

- Hehe….okay….sorry smarty pants.

- Hehe….seriously Beesly, what's with you and all the nicknames?

- Just trying them on. See if I can't find one that fits.

They didn't say anything for a while. Jim just took her hand and squeezed it lightly. His hand was warm against hers. Her hands were constantly cold.

- All of them.

- What?

- All of them Jim. They are all my favourites.

- Oh…..that's…..cool.

- I heard something about stars once, something I really liked.

- Let's hear it.

- That stars are just cracks in the floor of heaven. The sparkle is the light of heaven.

- That's either the cheesiest thing or the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

- Hehe….come on Halpert. Don't be a cynic, it doesn't suit you.

- Hehe…it doesn't huh?

- No, definitely not

- Okey, the most beautiful thing then.

They fell into another quiet moment. Jim's thumb was gently caressing the palm of her hand. Pam thought about life happening under those stars. They had seen so much. Was anyone up there looking out for them? It felt like they had surpassed a million obstacles to be here, and still they really weren't anywhere. Not yet. She thought about the night she learned of his departure. It had been a beautiful spring night. The sky had been clear, like tonight.

A brief mail.

She had called in sick the Monday after the Casino thing; and then spent the day walking aimlessly around the apartment thinking about ways to smooth things over. Her feelings, the ones she tried to ignore, made it almost impossible. It was already late in the evening when she checked her e-mail.

One message from .

It was the first time she experienced how the pounding of her own heart could actually hurt. A million pictures snapped before her eyes. Jim at the Poker table, Jim leaning against her desk, his hands wrapping around the jelly beans, the way he studied the wending machine before selecting a bag of tortilla chips, the way his back slouched in his chair when he was bored, the pain in his eyes when she turned him down. Her hand was shaking so much she had trouble navigating the arrow over the link that read OPEN.

Pam

Thank you for being honest.

Jim  
Ps: I've left the office. I'll transfer to Stamford immediately.

***********************

It took her by complete surprise. It surprised her even more than his confession. It felt like a powerful punch in the stomach. Her first instinct had been to take the car and drive to his house. Her driving had been insane. She was still grateful she hadn't injured anyone that night. Only seconds away from his driveway, and with his car in sight, she had turned around and driven to the same lake, and broken down sobbing for hours. The pain had felt unbearable. She felt her throat thickening at the unhappy memory and she swallowed. It was almost disturbing how emotional she had become over the last week. Somehow Jim's return had opened a vault of feelings. Feelings she had kept under control for a very long time. Every ounce of love and affection she had ever felt for him surrounded her; but with all those happy feelings came undercurrents of something darker and more painful; feelings of regret, sadness and anger. Her mouth opened and spoke before she knew what to say.

- Why did you leave like that?

She could feel him flinching next to her. His thumb stopped abruptly. He slowly let go of her hand and sat up. He had his back toward her and her clear view of the sky was obstructed. She wanted to sit up next to him, but her body felt heavy.

- I…..

His voice escaped into the buzzing of night. He ran his hand through his short hair looking almost surprised at how soon it let go. She turned her head away from him looking at the high grass bending softly in the night breeze. Too many emotions welled up in her chest and she had to sit up not to be suffocated by them.

- Jim…I'm not trying to accuse you of anything. I just, I don't know….need to understand I guess. You left so suddenly, and I suppose I've never truly understood why.

He didn't move and his head was slightly bowed. He cleared his throat before he spoke.

- I understand how it might have seemed sudden to you Pam, but for me it was….I just…..Something that had been a long time coming.

- What do you mean?

- I couldn't stay anymore because…it became too damn hard Pam.

He turned and looked into her eyes. The sadness in his eyes mirrored the sadness she felt inside. There wasn't much space that separated them and she wanted to reach over and hold him and wish all the sadness of the past away with a kiss, but she knew she couldn't. They couldn't just kiss their way out of this.

- How long had you been thinking about leaving Jim?

- A few months maybe.

- A few months? And yet you never said anything.

- If you knew……

His eyes left hers and he turned his head and looked out over the lake, shaking his head.  
Her voice was only a whisper when she said.

- If I only knew what Jim?

- I don't know when it begun Pam. I suppose things like that just sneaks up on you.

- What do you mean? What snuck up on you?

- You Pam. You snuck up on me.

- Ohh

- Yeah, one day I just realised what this was…this thing between us…well for me it had become much more than friendship.

She had lain awake so many nights after he returned with Karen, twisting and turning and trying to decipher every conversation they'd ever had, trying to figure out just how deep his feelings ran. Night after night she had gone through every smile, look, joke, touch she ever remembered them sharing, looking for a sign of genuine love. She had cursed herself for not paying attention, for ignoring the signs that must have been there every day.

- When did you know Jim?

- Oh I don't know for sure. I knew I liked you from quite early on, but I don't know when "like" turned into an infatuation and I don't know when that "infatuation" turned into love, but I know I'd been on the verge of saying something for quite some time when…Roy set the wedding date.

A stab of guilt scratched through her stomach at the mention of his name. She felt the need to defend herself.

- But, you were with Katy.

He didn't respond at first. He just sighed and picked up a handful of sand which he let slowly seep from his closed fist.

- Yeah…and as you might remember I broke up with her. Half an hour after you decided to get married actually.

- Oh….. I didn't know that. I thought you were together for a while after that.

- No, we weren't.

- Oh.

- So you see Pam….me leaving, it wasn't sudden at all, not really. I think I knew somewhere deep down that I had to leave the second we stepped of that boat.

- But…

- But what?

- You….there was no time….after you said, after we you know….when I came back to work you were gone already. How did you do that so quickly?

- I put in a request a couple of weeks before that....before I left. So I guess it wasn't as quick as it might have seemed.

- I see

She felt gutted that he'd known for weeks without telling her. She knew it was ridiculous and not at all fair of her to even think it, but for some reason it felt like betrayal. Jim kept talking. A little laugh escaped him as he continued confessing.

- It was Dwight who started it all.

- Dwight?

- Yeah. Remember that day Michael went through all of our complaints, the ones he got from Toby?

- Sure

A silence fell as they both remembered Jim's redacted complaint about Pam's excessive wedding planning.

- Well….by that point it had become very clear that the wedding was happening. And Dwight was so mad at me. He gave me the link to the advertised position in Stamford. I decided that night to go after it. I called Jan and requested a transfer; the promotion was just something that went along with the transfer. I remember thinking that it would be easier to convince everyone why I was leaving, convince you, seeing it was a promotion and all.

She kept quiet. She wanted him to tell her his side of things and she knew he had to do that without her questioning it.

- But it had been a long time coming Pam. One way or another I think I would have found a way to leave. It became apparent that I couldn't stay.

His eyes were transfixed on a spot in the middle of the lake. Searching for words to explain his actions, explain his pain. The pain she slowly had come to understand was much deeper than she'd ever dreamt possible. When she started to comprehend how much he had loved her, something came alive inside her. She became filled with self-esteem and it eventually gave her the strength to speak up.

- So that night….

Her eyes watered as she saw him literally shudder just by mentioning THAT NIGHT. She wondered if she'd ever be able to make it up to him, to heal the deep wound she caused that night. Her regret had been eating her alive. He turned his face further away. She knew he would duck and cover if she let him, so she leaned closer, grabbing hold of his hand. She could hear him swallow and take a deep breath, and then he spoke.

- ...that night, I wasn't planning on telling you what I did. I was just gonna tell you I was leaving, but then…I don't know, standing there…I don't know, something just snapped inside me and I couldn't keep up the pretence…like it didn't matter what happened, I didn't see the consequences of telling you….I only…I don't know. I gambled. I just had to let it out. And then….when you said you were still marrying him I…

His voice broke and she could see him snapping for air and trying to control the wall of emotion that seemed to have built up inside him. For a few seconds she felt paralysed by the magnitude of the moment, but then she leaned in and rubbed his back. She gently put her hand on his chin and moved his face to hers. He wasn't looking at her and she could see him trying to blink away some stray tears. She felt the moisture behind her own eyes as she let her hand slide down, lightly grabbing his arm.

- Look at me Jim.

He struggled. She could feel the war of emotions racing through his chest as it heaved compulsively. He lifted his right hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. He lifted his head a little, but it still wasn't enough for her to catch his eyes. Their foreheads were against each other. She thought she could feel the blood pumping through his veins. A minute went by, then two, then three and Pam was caught by a feeling of absolute existence. They sat like that for what felt like an eternity. Hands intertwined, facing each other, willing their thoughts to pass through the thin layer of skin that separated them, hoping they would intermix and spill their secrets.

- I lied.

- Huh?

- I lied Jim.

She could feel Jim slowly regaining his composure and briefly turning his head as to make sure he heard her right. She moved her mouth to his right ear and half whispered, half spoke, her confession. Her lips touched the corners of his ear.

- I'm so sorry for what I said that night Jim. You have no idea how my words have tormented me.

- You don't have to….there's really no need…for you to…

- Shhhs…..I need to say this Jim. Please let me.

- Oh…ok.

- Will you look at me?

He reluctantly removed himself from her and turned his head. A few seconds went by before he mustered the strength to look into her eyes. In all her life, she had never seen a soul more naked in front of her. She was amazed by the courage of this incredible man who was looking straight at her. His eyes were marred by the terrors of the past, but they were also full of hope, hope of redemption. She took both his hands and bid him to come closer. He leaned in.

- That night….you don't know what you did to me that night. I didn't know one could feel so much pain and exhilaration at the same time. You scared me Jim. You yanked me right out of my illusions, no my delusions, and forced me to confront everything. I was terrified.

He didn't say anything, just continued to look at her. He hadn't blinked once. Afraid she would lose her momentum if he did.

- I felt it too. Of course I did. I just…I don't know. I honestly didn't think it ran that deep. I hadn't allowed myself to explore it. I didn't know. And I'm sorry I said that thing about you misinterpreting our friendship.

Her voice quickened as she spoke and feelings of anger unexpectedly surged in and replaced those that were filled with only regret.

- But I was mad at you too.

A glimmer went through his eyes, and he looked away for a split second.

- I was mad at you for telling me, and I was mad at you for leaving.

He cleared his throat and his voice was sorrowful when he asked.

- And now, how do feel now?

- Now I realise…that what you said…well I'm glad, because it forced me to change some things that needed changing. I was an idiot for thinking that I could ever be happy in that marriage. I was an idiot for thinking that I could ignore my feelings for you. But I just wasn't ready to see it, to deal.

- You weren't an idiot Pam. I understand.

- But Jim….I have to be honest right?

- Of course…you can tell me anything.

- I AM STILL mad at you for leaving.

She didn't expect his next reaction. He burst out laughing. Really laughing. Like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. She was too surprised to feel much anger as she watched him fall back on his back laughing harder than she'd ever seen him laugh before.  
- What…wait? Did you hear me? I said I was mad at you.

- Hehehehehehehe….yeah….hehehe…heard you.

- Then…why are you laughing?

She tried to keep a strict face and a firm voice but for the life of her she couldn't ignore the happy feeling she got in her stomach whenever he laughed. Her face cracked and a huge grin replaced her surprised expression.

- Hey…stop that. Why are you laughing? It wasn't supposed to be funny.

- I'm so sorry. Hehehehe…really I am. I don't know where that came from.

- Hehe….okay weirdo.

- Hey…you have to admit that it is a bit funny. IF you look at it objectively. Here you have two people with the worst timing ever, who kept making things worse and worse until… I mean, aren't you amazed that we're even having this conversation?

- Ehh…yes.

- Pam….think about it. In spite of all that stuff, here we are. Together. I don't care if you're mad at me. I love that you're mad at me. I hope you continue to stay mad at me every time I leave you, even if it's just for the day, even if it's just for an hour. I wish I had known of your anger a long time ago, it's the best anger I've ever known.

- Hehehe….you're impossible.

- I know. So are you.

They both cracked and started laughing almost hysterically. When the cramps of laughter gradually started to reseed Pam felt more relaxed than she'd done in years. Relaxed and so incredibly happy she felt like running around. She quickly stood up and without thinking she tore off her jacket and her top. Jim, completely thrown by these unprecedented turn of events, just stared. She tugged at her skirt and before she knew it she was standing in her bikini. Jim, having been shocked into silence, regained his voice and a bit startled asked.

- Pam…what are you doing?

She turned around to find surprise and admiration in his eyes as he tried very hard to focus on her face. She knew he had never seen her like this before, and she suddenly felt proud at the way her almost naked body affected him.

- I'm going for a swim silly…

She crossed the sand in three short steps and ran into the lake which was colder than she had imagined. Her blood was boiling; the cold water would do her good.

- Hey Pam, are you insane? You'll get pneumonia.

- No I won't. Come on in, it's lovely.

A little white lie had never killed anyone. He looked completely lost standing there trying to wrap his head around this new Pam.

- No, I meant what I said before. I won't go swimming this time of year, it's too early.

- Oh you big baby. Don't be such a wimp. Come on. You gotta take a chance on something sometime Jim.

- Hehe, very funny. I get it, but Pam, I mean it. It's too cold.

She was far enough out to have nothing but head above water. Before she could mull it over, she balanced on her toes and unhooked her bra. He hadn't figured out what she was doing when it came flying, landing a few feet in front of him, in the water.

- Could you fetch that please?

He looked at her in bewilderment. He looked completely adorable. He leaned down slowly and fished it out of the water, no less surprised than if it had been the Holy Grail itself that had washed up on the bank. Pam felt the laughter escaping her lips as she raised her voice and said.

- Need any more encouragement?

She hadn't seen anyone strip down that fast since Roy and her's prom night. She barely caught a glimpse of him in black tight fitting boxers before he was swimming in the direction of her. As he closed in on her she became suddenly aware of her own nakedness. What on earth had come over her? As he caught up with her she shyly put her arms across her chest. She was happy he didn't seem to take notice of her quick cover up.

- Holy shit Pam…it's freezing.

- Hehe….okay okay, so it's a little colder than I expected, but now we'll have a story to tell our…uh…children.

She could feel all the blood in her upper body rushing to her face as she blushed at her disclosure of their imagined children.

- Wow.

He looked at her with a face that showed nothing but pure happiness. The cold water didn't seem to bother him much anymore.

- Pam…

His voice broke at the scene before him, and she felt her own started to quiver as she admitted thoughts of such things.

- I know it's corny? I know it's way too early for all that.

He didn't answer her; just placed his cold hands on her red cheeks before he gave her a soft kiss. She felt stupid and childish for feeling this euphoric. Surely people had to handle such situations better than her. She had a hard time finding words for the jolts of happiness and desire that shot through her spine. At one point she new she had to stop over thinking things. This wouldn't do. She was genuinely concerned that her head would explode if she didn't turn off her thoughts. Jim had taken a step back. He was standing and looking down at her; waiting for her next move. She had absolutely no idea what to do. She hadn't thought ahead at all. But this was a make or break moment. She knew she couldn't escape from this, from them. She didn't want to.

- So…what know?

Jim looked at her with vivid eyes. He searched her eyes for clues as to where she was going with all this. She was too proud to admit that she was as dumbfounded by her last actions as he was. Slowly, and mostly because her fingers were getting numb in the cold water, she removed her hands from her chest and placed them around his neck. She placed her head against his chest. It gave her a sense of peace she hadn't known before. She could feel his arms embracing her and pulling her closer. She felt the warmth of his body encircle her own chest.

- Come on Beesly, it's time to get out. It would be really unfortunate if we froze to death.

She felt him lift her and she instinctively wrapped her legs around him as he waded to land with her in his arms. She had never felt safer or more loved. She held on tighter and felt the muscles of his lean body working beneath her. The whish wash of the water would have hypnotised her into sleep had it gone on for much longer. She felt groggy as he carefully placed her on the blanket. She was resting on her back as he kneeled beside her. Her naked skin glowed in the dark night. He seemed to have hit his level of self-control and now openly admired her. Surprised that she didn't feel embarrassed under his exploring eyes she didn't reach for the towel. She could feel her body reacting, and a deep burn started somewhere inside her and spread to every cell in her body. Her breathing became heavier and her fixed posture revealed the intensity of her emotions. When she reached out her hand to find Jim's it took only a second before his lips met hers. Forgotten was the cold water, the shyness of the first time, forgotten was Karen, Roy and years of longing. She stopped thinking and simply let her instincts steer her. She felt him on top of her, careful but passionate. His lips on her neck, on her chest, on her breasts. She felt her free hand enclose its grip on a tuft of his short hair. She could feel him lifting his head from her chest and heard him speak with a voice that sounded deep and warm.

- My God Pam. You are so beautiful.

Momentarily at a loss of voice she bent down and kissed his temple. He looked up at her and the sparkle in his eyes was only rivalled by the stars above them.

- Uhh…I think, uhh…we, maybe we should stop before it's too late.

She knew the last thing he truly wanted was to stop and the fact that he was even able to stop made her want him even more. She turned his head and nibbled carefully at his ear before whispering in a sexy voice she hardly recognized as her own.

- Don't you dare stop now…

He didn't need more encouragement. His lips still tasted of fresh lake water. She could feel her own hands running down his back. She longed to feel him, to put her hand around him. At the hem of his boxer-shorts she hesitated for a mere moment before sliding her hand inside it. As she felt his hand run down her stomach and reach the top of her bikini bottom she couldn't help but release a moan. After manoeuvring herself a bit further down she enclosed her hand around him. She felt his whole body stiffen the second she touched him, and now it was his turn to let out a loud moan. Encouraged by her affect on him she started stroking him.

- Jezus Pam….I don't know if I can, I mean…if you keep doing that…I'm gonna…you know.

She whispered in his ear. Her voice was teasing as she dared him to say it.

- You're gonna what Jim?

- You know.

- Yeah I know, but I want you to say it.

- Come on Pam…

His begging words were doing a poor job disguising the lust in his voice.

- No, I love how you feel. You're going to have to give me a voiced reason before I stop.

Her voice sounded even sexier than before and she wondered where this bold new persona came from. All she knew was that this felt righter than anything she'd ever done in her life.

- Please Pam….I'm gonna…I'm gonna come.

She bit his ear before she said in a voice drenched in lust.

- I want you to come.

She had barely uttered the words before his moans intermixed with the sounds of lakeside night. When his first moments of release gave way to his own embarrassment he rolled over on his back and put his left arm across his face.

- This is just embarrassing. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm sorry. I don't know what that was…

She moved up next to him and started tugging at his arm. When she had no luck in removing it she tried a different approach.

- Come on Jim. Don't be like that. Do you have any idea how fantastic you made me feel just now. I love that I could do that to you so quickly. Don't be embarrassed. If anything it's a huge complement.

- It is?

- Yes silly, of course. Come one, remove your hand and let me see you. It's just me, Pam.

He removed his hand and beneath it she found him smiling up at her. She leaned down and kissed him before she put her head on his chest. She could feel his arms encircle her. With a quick swipe he arranged the blanket over them. His hands run up and down her spine and before long she felt herself drifting off to sleep. At the brink of unconsciousness she heard herself say.

- I'm falling in love with you Jim.

When they woke the next day, somewhere around four-thirty, at the brink of dawn, pretty much every bone in their bodies ached. They smiled as their eyes found each others. Pam couldn't help but laugh at the brutality of the morning light. No point in being bashful she thought as her breasts brushed against his chin as she sat up. She was about to thread her top over her head when he stopped her.

- No please, not yet.

Normally she would have felt on display and uncomfortable in the forest clearing, but she only sighed contently and looked out over the lake. Jim sat up and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned back and rested against his chest. When she started to shiver in the crisp morning air he wrapped the blanket around them. As they watched the sun climb to give them another day, he whispered in her ear.

- I didn't get to return the favour.

- What do you mean?

- Last night, you know, after I…

- After you?

Pam couldn't help but want to tease. Jim seemed awkwardly aware of the tense subject he tried to direct her attention towards.

- You know…

How was it possible that he could be a gentleman and a little shy boy at the same time? His cheeks, that started to redden, made her want to do it to him all over again.

- No I don't know. I think you're going to have to spell it out to me.  
He continued to squirm for a few more seconds before he realised what she was doing. He let out a little laugh and gently nudged the back of her head with his own.

- You're quite something you know…

- I know.

- So…

- So?

- Do you want the favour returned?

Part of her wanted to surrender to the passion she had gotten a taste of last night, the other part wanted breakfast and a hot bath. The chillness of the morning had woken her up, and although Jim's warm body helped, she was still very aware of being cold.

- Oh…I'm sure it'll get returned, but for now, could we go back to my place and get a few more hours of sleep before we have to go to work. I also suggest a warm shower.

- You bet.

She could feel his arms tightening around her as he leaned in and kissed her cheek.

- Just one more thing.

- Yeah?

- Did you mean what you said last night Pam?

- What did I say?

- You said you… you said you were falling in love with me.

- That's right. I did.

- So?

- Did I mean it?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

- Wow.

- Hehehe…you keep saying that.

- I know, but I mean…yeah, WOW.

- I know.


	11. Chapter 11

- Why didn't you ever answer my text message?

Jim raised his head. The pillow made a svusj sound. He looked at her. They were surrounded by the cover of night. For the past three nights it had encouraged confessions. It was just after one o'clock and Pam shifted a bit anxiously to her side.

- I've always wondered Jim.

She often used his name in bed. She didn't quite know why. She seldom used it like that during the day. But she liked using it. Liked to remind herself that he was in her bed. Her Jim. In her bed. It felt triumphant. And she liked peeling the skin of their past and tonight it was the unanswered text message that had grabbed her attention. She remember how lost he had felt to her as the days went by without a reply. After their chance encounter on the telephone, she'd felt like something between them was right again. She stopped waiting for a response two days after the Diwali party, and it dawned on her that chance encounters were all he was willing to participate in.  
He put his hand against his head and looked down at her, gently stroking a few curls away from her face.

- What text message?

He sounded genuinely surprised. She moved closer to him and searched the darkness to find his eyes. They were wide awake and questioning.

- You know. The one I sent back in October when you were still in Stamford. About the Diwali party and Michael. Michael and Carol.

She carefully nudged his chest to get him to remember. She saw that he was scanning his every memory of the time they'd spent apart. He moved so that his face was directly in front of hers. She could feel him breathing.

- I'm sure I didn't get any message about a party, or Michael, or Carol for that matter. When was this?

She could hear how genuinely sincere he sounded. She sat up, and he quickly followed.

- You didn't?

- No. I swear. I didn't get any message.

- Oh.

She had tortured herself for weeks over his failure to respond, wondering if it would be too pushy to send another one, or even call. She knew she'd never get up the courage to call, but she almost sent him another text. So much heartache and worry…for nothing.

- What was it about?

His voice sounded hopeful. In the aftermath of lovemaking she'd made a rule of disclosing memories she had of them together, memories of how she had loved him for longer than he had dared suspect. He loved that game, they both did. It felt like the rightful retribution for all the pain they had gone through. He was making circles on her back and she leaned in and turned her head slightly as she continued.

- Michael proposed to Carol at an Indian Diwali party in front of everyone, and she turned him down.

- Really? Wow.

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry I didn't get that message now.

- Yeah.

- So. She turned him down?

- Yeah. He was crushed. I had to take him home.

- Really. You took him home?

- Afraid so.

- Anything else I missed?

- Well….oh yeah. He tried to kiss me.

- He did WHAT?

- Tried to kiss me.

- What did you do?

- Very assuredly turned him down…hehe…poor guy.

- Poor Michael, he's…..something.

- Yeah, he's something alright.

She turned around and kissed him gently on the forehead. He pulled her down on top of him and she could feel the calm beating of his heart as she placed her head on his chest. She remembered how desperately she had wanted to share it with him, knowing that no one in the whole world would get the ridiculousness that was Michael better than him. A feeling of longing washed through her like a distant tide she'd forgotten existed.

- I really missed you that night.

Her voice was tender and low and she could feel how his arms tightened around her.

- I'm sorry.

- Hey, don't be. It wasn't your fault. But it's strange though, that you didn't get the message.

- Yeah. That is strange. Are you absolutely sure you sent it to me?

- Yeah. I'm sure. I checked the sent box a million times that night, and it was sent. For sure. I remember checking it all through the next day also. I remember cause it was Kevin's birthday.

- Kevin's birthday…

Jim went quiet, like he was trying to remember something. She lifted her head and looked up at him.

- Yeah?

- I just….I think…maybe…

- Maybe what?

- I remember that day. I was supposed to call him and congratulate him, but I….

He went quiet for what seemed like an eternity.

- But you didn't?

She wasn't patient enough to wait for him to carry on.

- No I didn't. And I remember why. I couldn't find my cell phone. It disappeared sometime the night before, and I was never able to find it again.

- Really?

- Yeah. I remember because I was really annoyed about it. I can't believe I lost it the same night you texted me. What are the odds of something like that happening?

- I can't ….wow, you have no idea how disappointed I was when you didn't answer.

- That sucks. I'm sorry. I would have answered you. But I never got it.

She snuggled up closer. It was sad to even remember those days. It felt like such a waste. As fun as the late night revelations had been, they were often followed by a bit of melancholy. Melancholy over all the time they'd lost. As he pulled her closer and started to stroke her back she proclaimed, like she'd done night and night again…

- I wish I'd known.


End file.
